|Dark Fairytale Tarot- Moon, Knight of Pentacles, Eight of Swords|
Today is my sisters' birthday. Happy birthday, Sister! I'd call her and tell her but we have been estranged for years and I am not inclined to try to fix that. I love my sister, but one thing life has taught me is that some people are better off being loved from afar. I know she thinks I don't, and I actually understand that quite well. As I wrote myself only yesterday, there is no such thing as love, at least not to anyone outside of your own soul. There are only proofs of love, and I have not given her many of those.
My sister is The Moon, dark and unknowable, at least to me. I want to trust her, so much, but I believe I can't. I have been blessed with sisters in law who are beautiful in every way, and I'd like to become even closer to them, but neither of them ever whispered to me in the dark under sweltering covers, or played wizards and potions with me. They don't understand, nor should anyone, the shared horror and beauty of our childhood, and the two are so entwined we don't even know where one ends and the other began. My sister is wild, like the wolfsong, and she is savagely beautiful, but like all wild things, I don't believe I should try to touch her.
The Eight of Swords is me, bound by the thoughts and memories I can't let go of, branded with the words she labelled me with. Mine say "whore" and "two faced bitch" instead of "vampire", and they still bleed, all these years later. Even though I know I should be able to define my own reality, when I think of my sister I am small and like Eminem croons, "I am whatever you at I am. If I wasn't, then why would you say I am?" and I don't want to be the things she has labelled me, so I stay away from her.
The Knight of Pentacles, in desperate flight from the wolves that represent my sister to me, is probably me too. I want to leave my past behind, but I want strong family ties at the same time, and I am not sure I can have both. I feel those dead hands reaching out to me, wanting to drag me back there, back to the place where my mother called me "Moo Moo Mandy" and my sister did too, and why wouldn't she, when that was what she was taught?
|Dark Fairytale Tarot- Death|
The Death card again appears as the Shadow, and I realize that at some point I have to integrate that fat, dirty little girl, the one no one wanted, with the myself of today, a woman who is infinitely loved and has infinite love to share. I have to forgive my mother, and forgive my sister, and I have to do so knowing they will never ask for that forgiveness. They do not even think they wronged me. I also have to acknowledge the hurts I have caused, because it's not like I am an innocent bystander in my own life. We were not taught to hold family ties sacred, and my tongue can be as sharp as either of theirs.
I truly do wish my sister the happiest of birthdays, the brightest of blessings, and the best that love and life can possibly give her. I have to do so with the seemingly contradictory knowledge that we may never be in the same place at the same time as adults, that we may never be the kind of sisters I yearn for, and to be. It's not her job to make me okay with that. It is mine to come to terms with.
These cards are from Dark Fairytale Tarot by Rafaele De Angleis, published by Lo Scarabeo.