And yet, I can't deny the leap of my heart when I saw the image. Someone might want to marry me?
I am happy with my kidkins, and I am pretty accustomed to living my life in my own way, without a lot of thought for anyone whom I did not birth. But I also can't deny that part of me longs for the unity, and security, of being married, of utterly belonging to another human and having them belong to me, not in a way that binds, and constricts, but in a way that allows even fuller expression of who we really are, individually, and as a couple.
Julia Cuccia-Watts uses a system of astrology and moon phases that has always kept me from working with her decks, as stunning as they are, for fear of learning a new system. This card is labeled "New Moon in Aries". The new moon is a time of rebirth, to start over, and Aries is bold, dynamic, energetic, and also about to come into the sky. The ram is also related to the Emperor, who has been giving me so much grief lately. In my own chart, Venus is in Aries, which makes me someone who is very loving and warm, but not so eager to be tied down, which is at complete odds with my Taurean need for same-ness and stability. I both long for tradition and chafe at the bit under its' weight. Try living in my head sometime!
The shadow card of the day, the Princess of Cups, seemed to speak into my mind, "Who are you to disbelieve?" She seems to be the same figure from the Two of Cups, just emerged from a dark cave behind her, and on her way to her celebration, and who am I to keep her from it with my worries and fears? She is dressed for a festival, and her horse is ready to go. The rabbit, so symbolic of this time of year and the energy surrounding Easter and Ostara, watches her go. This is another image of rebirth and celebration, release of the dark and welcoming of the light. Further, the Easter bunny himself is pretty magical if you think about it, appearing to hide our eggs, and I can think of no deeper magic than the risen Christ, and the renewal of the seasons, affirming life after a stark winter.
This card is labeled "Full Moon in Libra", which happens when the sun is in Aries, so here he is again. In my own astrological chart, Libra is my ascendant, the "mask" I wear to the world. Full moons are about the balance of light and dark, and Libra is even further about balance, being represented by the card Justice.
She seems to be here to remind me that balance is needed in all things, and in working so hard to be practical I have forgotten about the magic, and that is not my place. Yes, the dishes need to get done, but yes, the fairies should be greeted as well. Yes, love stinks sometimes, but it is also beautiful, and to not remember that is deny a very basic part of who I am.
These cards are from the Maat Tarot by Julia Cuccia-Watts.
It saddens me when I read someone saying they're disenchanted with the idea of marriage. I don't proselytize, so I don't mention this to anyone unless it's something they want to discuss. "I also can't deny that part of me longs for the unity, and security, of being married, of utterly belonging to another human and having them belong to me . . . " seems to invite some discussion so I'll just say a few things. I didn't marry until I was 40. I wasn't interested in making a big, messy mistake, and I could have made quite a few of them.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have been married for 17 years, and he does indeed belong to me, as I do to him. We make each other better than and more than we ever could be alone. Just as with anything that you choose, you give up something. You gave up the freedom of being childless when you had your children. In our case, the thing we gave up (the complete freedom of being single and accountable to no one) didn't feel like a sacrifice because we gained something of far greater value.
When people have kids, they realize there will be sacrifices. They WILL be, in a very real sense, bound and constricted in many ways. They don't mind, because they feel they're gaining something that matters more. I'm not sure why people have come to believe that in marriage, unlike in other relationships, there should never be loss or compromise. But it's the nature of relationships between humans to have some give and take, some gains and some losses. For people who love each other enough to accept that, the gains grow exponentially as time passes.
Thank you, Anonymous, for taking the time to read and to share your words, and congratulations on your happy, and long-lived, marriage! It warms my heart to hear such obvious love in your words.
ReplyDeleteI have been married before, and it was good, and it was bad, and it was messy, and it blew up all over at least five peoples' lives. Some of what I am writing about today is the need to heal of that completely, and to let it go, so that I can do things not necessarily "right" next time, but at least with the best possible foundation.
You have made a good point about the nature of give and take, risk vs. reward in love relationships. I am just trying to, as my fortune cookie reminded me yesterday, to live in my imagination, to dwell in possibility, and not in my memory.
Thank you again! Brightest blessings to you!