Daily Draw- The Hanged Man, Four of Swords, Queen of Pentacles

The cards I have drawn today are talking about my surgery scheduled for tomorrow.  This is the second discectomy in three months, and judging by the fact that I never, not for one day, had any real relief, my doctor is guessing I almost immediately reherniated the disc.  This is quite possibly because I did not take seriously the amount of downtime I was supposed to have, and the very day of my surgery I was taking one boy to football practice and one to a Scouts meeting.  I felt okay, probably due to the lingering anesthesia (I did not drive) and it mattered so much to me that they get to their activities, my Little Big Man because he eats, breathes, sleeps, and lives football, so it really mattered to him, and the Little J Man because his mom is telling him we won't allow him to do activities like Scouts, which is simply untrue.  We need him to see that we always do what we promise him we will, because actions always speak louder than words.  My husband and I live our entire lives around scheduling these kids to get to where they want to be, so they can do the very important work of figuring out exactly who they are and what they love.

Deviant Moon Tarot- The Hanged Man, Four of Swords, Queen of Pentacles

The Hanged Man shows pain and sacrifice both, but sometimes sacrifice is actually martyrdom, which can be an ugly personality trait.  Of course I want my kids to have the best of everything, and be supportive, but truthfully, I had no business running around town the very day of my surgery, and me wanting to be a good mom, or at least wanting my kids to see me as a good mom, left me in pain.  The Hanged Man also shows unmovingness, and that is what has to happen for me right now.  I can't, through sheer force of will, make my back be better.  I just have to follow my doctor's instructions, listen to my body, and wait, which for me is sheer torture.  Were there anything to do, I would be all over it.  As it is, I must just sit still, lay still, and wait.

The Four of Swords, with its' resting message, reinforces the Hanged Man.  She is underground, mimicking the dead, and laying perfectly still, which is what I must do.  For me, someone who walks and does yoga daily, would like to dance and do Zumba, would my back allow it, runs errands, meets with clients, has lunch with friends, picks up kids, cooks, and is just generally active, laying around in bed feels like death to me.  It isn't of course, and it isn't forever.  Just a little while.  In my personal time telling method of tarot, which is shaky at best, because I do not believe time passes the same way on the other side, or wherever the answers are coming from, the Four of Swords would equal four weeks to me, which is about how long I can expect to need to take it easy, and not at all how long I did so the first go round.  The pain I have been through has taught me a hard lesson about actually doing what the doctor has ordered, though.

In my personal readings, the Queen of Pentacles is always me, and this one surrounded by the demands of little kids is how I feel.  My baby will be 11 in a few weeks, so they really don't need me at every turn, to do for them, to provide tissues or wipe their noses, except that they kinda do.  I have not tried to force them to grow up quickly, so they aren't, and I spend a good amount of time every day picking up after other people, finding lost items, delivering forgotten ones, and generally making the house run smooth.  I am worried that without me able to do what it is I do every day, the house will fall apart, and I can't live in chaos, nor do I want my family to.  Add to that the fact that we are in a custody dispute concerning two of the kids and I love them and want the best for them and really, I am just a wreck.  The Queen of Pentacles is mother card, and that is my most important job, and the only that it really matters if I do well.

However, I am taking the first two cards as advice- If I manage to successfully undergo surgery, recovery, physical therapy, then I will be ready to throw myself full time back into mothering, working, keeping house, cooking, doing the things I love, and generally being me.

Deviant Moon Tarot- The Moon

The Shadow Card of this reading is The Moon, and its' imagery describes perfectly how I have felt these past 10 months while dealing with this back injury.  I am a puppet on the string of the doctors, the chiropractor, my back, my pain meds.  I want to do the dance; I am just not physically able.  The Moon is also a card of uncertainty, and I am not sure what comes next.  I despise the way I feel on pain meds, and I take as few as possible, and I worry how they may interfere with my intuition, which is vital to both reading tarot and writing.  I want to be off them, and I want to be off them now.  I can't know that this surgery is the end of the road for me, though.  I just have to trust that I am on the path I am supposed to be on, and keep walking down it, sometimes crawling down it, and sometimes even letting my husband carry me down it, because I can't go backwards and I can't stay where I am.

These images are from the Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza, published by U.S> Games Systems, Inc.