Or I am too lazy to. One or the other.
I thought about what I could do about that, and wine loomed large, as well as a box of Twinkies, a vile treat I normally would never allow to cross the threshold of my door, let alone my lips, and I briefly considered yelling at Him for no apparent reason, because that seems to make some women feel better, but I am garbage at work anymore if I have more than a glass and Twinkies taste of nothing so much as chemicals to me, so who would I really be punishing by devouring a score of them, and I love Him, and it's His house, and I have high hopes of getting a little something something later, and yelling at him for no discernible reason seems counterproductive to that goal, so what's a girl to do?
Ahh, tarot, my old friend, on our new terms, standing in the light, following our truth, and all that- comfort me. Please.
The message for me here is multi-fold, the first one being that if I am a warrior, as my recent reading suggests, then I am immune to feeling like crap. Or if I am not, at least I am too strong to let it bring me down. For long, anyway.
The second message I see relates to the explosion of the volcano. That kind of energy is very real, and so forceful it literally changes the world all around it, but it is certainly not calm. I feel dis-settled and on edge and full of nerves, possibly in part of the preparation of the imminent explosive force. On the eve of a volcanic eruption, it would probably be more unnatural to feel comfortable, cool, and collected.
Thirdly is the message of the card in its' divinatory meaning- creativity, lust, driving passion. For love, for life, for food and drink, family, art and beauty, nature and knowledge. Yes, to all of those things, and yes to all of life. The suggestion I see, and even more importantly, feel, is that the answer to my crap-feeling is not to do less, but to do more. I want to back away from the creative process at the moment because I have reached a place where I am uncertain of myself, and I am telling myself that putting bacon, or smoked tempeh, as the case may be, on the table matters more, and that I am selfish for wanting to be able to do that through the joy of doing what I love most in the world, and that it simply not possible. I feel a great deal of fear and apprehension around the whole subject, and the message I am getting is that rather than turn back, I have to press into that fear and face it head on. That is the way through this trial.
"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith."
~Mary Manin Morrissey
Some dreams are too big to be blocked, and faith, unlike fear, needs only be fed a little.
This card is from the Tarot of the Sidhe by Emily Carding for Schiffer Books.