Real Talk

I have been so sad to see so many beautiful, wonderful blogs go to the wayside.  Here's the truth- blogging is hard work, and creating exceptional content is a constant pressure.  When all is right with the world for me, this is the kind of alchemy that eventually creates diamonds, a joyous process that gives me far more than it takes, and when it doesn't, it's the kind of pressure that I react to by burying myself under a pile of blankets and self doubt.  It's a flaw in me, and I am not so arrogant as to act as if I am not a deeply flawed person.

I am not going to promise that I am going to be a better blogger, or tarot reader, or anything.  I am just going to show up, because that is how trust is earned, by doing more than promising.

I am going to share a little of what is going on in my world- The Man is handsome and wonderful, although working way too hard and not being in my presence nearly often enough.  My munchkins maybe need a new name to be called, as the baby is 13 and truly a young lady.  Exceptional young people, all of them, and I am filled with pride and love just to think their names.  The back injury that was supposed to be over with a few chiropractic sessions persists, and while it could be worse, and of course I am grateful it isn't, I don't think it does any good to pretend it is better than it is, either.  I remain hopeful and optimistic, but I am where I am and I am making the best of it.

One of the things about writing a blog, or engaging in social media, or existing on the Internet at all, even just having an Amazon account, is that I am giving people permission to view my life through my words and my pictures, and because there is not usually a conversation, people who are determined to misunderstand me have found plenty of reasons to do so.  The negative associations I have come to through my blog and social media are far, far outweighed by the wonderful people and connections I have made and treasure, and yet, once bitten has made me twice shy.  I have no desire to pay a lawyer outrageous hourly fees so that we can discuss the legality of the things I discuss here (spoiler: If it's true it's not slander or libel, and it is hella hard to prove those allegations) and I don't appreciate the feeling of being on display, but once the Publish button is pushed, I am putting myself on display, for better or worse.  I'm not the first person to experience this, and I won't be the last, and it should not take up this much of my time or energy.

Quote by Anne Lamott, author

I won't be silenced.  I will write.  I will write about my life.  I will write about my cards, and the places where those things intersect.  I will be respectful and I will be kind but I will not tell lies and I will not pretend things are different, and while I do not use names, I will expect that if people want to be portrayed well in my space, they had damned sure better act better, or at least in a way that allows my compassionate nature to find a reason why.

I'm interested in a conversation about how you protect yourself from haters and trolls, and even those people who may not quite reach that elevated status but whom you just don't care to engage with yet maintain social media, and if you run an online business, the necessary presence and authenticity without inviting those people in.  And I appreciate all of you!

New Year's Reso-What?

Llewellyn Tarot- Two of Swords

How are you doing on those New Year's Resolutions?  I myself have never been a fan of them, because they usually last about a day and a half, you fall off the wagon, and then you feel bad about yourself.

I have also come to the conclusion that I am the kind of person who needs to make changes right there, right then, right when I know they need to be made, and not wait for New Year's Day, or Monday, or the first of the month, or when I get paid so I can purchase supplies.  I have to strike while my mental iron is hot.  I have discovered, for me, waiting for those things are just excuses for me to procrastinate...

Which brings me to the first New Year's Proclamations I made this year, not resolution, because they are not powerful, but PROCLAMATION fairly screams don't mess with me.  I proclaimed that I would work on being less of a procrastinator and more of a go getter.  I am a pretty good go getter as it as, but a notorious procrastinator, so imagine what I could do if I reigned that habit in check?  Amazing possibilities!

Llewellyn Tarot- Ten of Cups

The second, last, and most important PROCLAMATION I made was to remain serene in my heart no matter how others around me may act, what they may do, what words may fall from their lips, because I have a terrible habit of taking on everyone's burdens, making pretty, spiritualized excuses for them, and basically allowing bad behavior because that is what a loving person would do, right?

WRONG.

Tough Love is a true concept, and by continually allowing people to act poorly, treat me badly, and excusing it with, "Well they have a rough life" or "Their childhood sucked" or "They just aren't as self aware as I would wish" I am only allowing them to suckle at my teats (that's graphic, huh?) and delaying their spiritual growth, not to mention stifling my own by rolling around in dirt with them.  That does not mean I am the Judge, Jury and Executioner of people who do not act in the best interests of others, but from a selfish, fearful place- far from from it.  I probably will not say a word to anyone.  But in not saying my words is where my washing of my hands is evident.

Llewellyn Tarot- Tower

I messed up my second PROCLAMATION, remaining serene regardless of others, too.  That was lost pretty quickly, although in my defense the welfare of my kids and a literally crazy person was involved.  But I can't let that affect how I greet today.  No more pretty, spiritualized excuses for myself, either.  I learned, I now believe that this person really is who they have shown me they are, and they will get no more opportunities to mess with my inner peace.  They soak up disturbance like a sponge in water, and they are gonna die of dehydration before they get any more from me.  I have always been the kind that has to learn my lessons the hard way, but once I have learned it is indelible on my soul.

So, how go your New Year's Resolutions?  How is 2013 treating you?  How are you treating 2013?

I chose these cards, not pulled them at random, the Two of Swords to represent my procrastination habit, the Ten of Cups to represent what matters most to me, and my inner peace, and The Tower to represent the disturbance of that peace, which, like most Tower moments, was my own fault by not paying attention to the clues that a Tower moment was imminent.


These cards are from a lovingly trimmed Llewellyn Tarot by Anna-Marie Ferguson, published by Llewellyn.

Alive and Kicking!

Dark Carnival Tarot- Ten of Axes (Swords)

I'm home, my back is on fire, but I am home.  This card represents the Lotus Cross, heavy in the artists' symbolic dictionary, and was drawn on good Friday.  She says that while the card usually depicts someone being slaughtered mercilessly by Swords, it can also be the ultimate sacrifice, dirty pain that feels awful in the moment but leads to a much better place.

That is me today.  I hurt like a mutha, but I hurt constantly anyway.  The hope is this last burst of pain will take away the daily pain of living with a herniated disk,which is at times tolerable and at times excruciating.

Thanks for hanging in there with me!

This card, which is the Ace of Axes, relating to Swords, is from  Dark Carnival Tarot is self published by Rachel Paul and sold on etsy.

With An Open Heart

Last weekend I ran into a friend at a local shop, and she pointed out to me I had not posted since May.  That's true, and only partly has to do with my back issues.  I think the biggest thing, is me deciding how to write about tarot and my life without boring people with details they don't want about my life.  Then it hit me, I like to read about tarot, and even more about my friend's lives.  Trying to keep it all professional and cool here is making me not want to write, because while I can certainly conduct myself in a professional manner, I am not cool at all, and nothing is more deeply personal than tarot.

• Some people stop here to ogle my decks (tarot porn for the win).
• Some people stop here because they like to read about tarot, and I hope I offer some twists to the cards.  (This is one of my main reasons for reading tarot related blogs.)
• Some people are literary voyeurs (I know I am one) and like to read about the happenings of other people's lives.
• Some people appreciate my reviews (I love all reviews; helps decide where to spend my hard won pennies). 

I am going to keep providing all those things, and maybe some new ones, but I am not going to censor myself anymore, because censure feels unnatural to me.  I will lose some readers, but hopefully gain more that want to be here.

So here is what is going on in my world (I want you all to know that I love my life!  I am the happiest I have ever been and I have pretty much everything I have ever wanted.  I am living my happily ever after, but it turns out you don't write The End and then go on smiling and kissing while butterflies flit about your heads.  You live the damn thing!)-

• Baby mama drama the likes of which I have never experienced (and I pray to Goddess never caused).  My poor husband, my poor stepsons.  It's really, really bad, and occupies a lot of my thoughts.
• Sickness in the family.  My kids' stepmom is expecting a baby brother for them in September, and she is battling Hodgkins lymphoma herself.  This stresses my kids out and also occupies a lot of my thoughts.
• Sickness on the home front.  I need surgery on this herniated disc because apparently spewing spinal fluid all over my insides is all the rage in my fifth lumbar.  Let the good times roll.  The Man's entire digestive system is exacting revenge for all the years of cheeseburgers and day old chicken he forced upon it before he became vegetarian by proxy (by marrying me).  We sleep four solid hours on a good night, the rest, if we get it, broken up.
• Teenager drama.  We have four of them, and the Baby Girl is 10 going on 19 so she may as well be one.  Lord grant me serenity, and all that, because I need it.
• BFF drama.  My best friend punched me in the face last summer.  I almost died off shock, but it makes me laugh to even write that sentence today.  Surreal!  Somehow I managed to make it all the way through childhood and adolescence without some girl ever pulling my hair and calling me names, but in my mid 30s the person I love best in the world did it.  It was like every episode of Bad Girls Club brought home to Colorado and I am not sure we are recovered yet.
• This damn economy.  Turns out a herniated disc that progressively requires more and more medication to manage the pain of kinda ruins working conditions, so I have not been working a lot.  On top of which, getting a tarot reading is not at the top of people's lists of Needs when gas is so dear and groceries go up day by day.  Add to that, The Man's company gave him a "promotion" that required a transfer to a much further location, thusly costing more time and expense to get to, and sneakily cut his pay by about a third.  Then they gave us new, crappier insurance, which we pay more for, so cut our benefits.  Bastards.

I hope this doesn't come across as complaining, because I am well aware we are blessed in many ways more important than these things I have listed.  I am aware our troubles are no worse than anyone else's, and in many ways they are less.  We have a home, we have each other, we aren't likely to go hungry anytime soon, and we have (expensive and less than before) insurance.  It's just that I try to keep these kinds of things out of my Daily Draws, but you know what?  They aren't going to stay out, because most days look startling alike in my world (which is how I want it) except for the waves and nuances of these situations.

I pulled a few cards from the Egyptian Oracle Cards to describe my new found freedom.  They practically sang to me.

Egyptian Oracle by Lo Scarabeo- King of Diamonds, Five of Spades, Ten of Hearts

The stern man in the first card speaks of business, trade and alliances.  The book enthusiastically intones, "If you have learned the value of honesty and of giving you have nothing to fear from this man."  I can say with no trepidation that I have nothing to fear from him, and he is here to give a nod of approval to my course.

The second card is Death, and in the card I see a new rising from letting go of what is no longer working for me.  It's hard to let go, but it's easier when we can get excited about what comes next for us, and I am!

The final card shows a dancer reveling in her freedom.  Again, from the book, "Purposes must be clear and simple; the capacity to adapt oneself will keep setbacks, defeats and strife at bay."  My purpose has cleared up, and I am all for keeping those things at bay.

Thanks for sticking with me folks!  Much love to all of you!





These cards are from Egyptian Oracle Cards by Pierluca Zizzi and Severino Baraldi, publsihed by Lo Scarabeo.

Deck Collecting versus Tarot Reading

The Tarot Shelf years ago when 1 shelf would do...

I am the proud curator of about eleventy billion decks.  Okay, that is a bit of an exaggeration.  In truth, I have somewhere around 650 tarot decks, and 150-ish oracle, Lenormand, and playing card for divination decks.  I am cuckoo for cartomancy, that much should be obvious, and I know how you tarot freaks are, so no, you can't have my home address.  We won't even talk about my hundreds of books.

I don't have a lot of of discrimination in buying new decks.  Hell, I don't have much discrimination in buying old decks, either.  I will absolutely try anything.  I don't keep every deck that comes my way, but I give all of them a chance.  To stay in my collection, it has to meet at least one of the following criteria: be a deck I am going to use professionally, be beautiful, add something unique to tarot, or have sentimental value (i.e.; have been a gift).  I have most decks that are in print, and a good many that are no longer.  I love self published decks, small print and independent works.  I am by no means the most rabid collector I know, but I made due with just the one deck for most of my life, so I had lots of time to make up for.

Has having all these decks made me a better tarot reader?  The answer is somewhat mixed, but leaning heavily towards no.  I definitely have gained different perspective from all my (much loved) decks, but few of them were actually necessary for my growth or learning as a reader.  They have enhanced my experience, but not defined it.  I imagine this is kind of like how I learned to read with a battered old copy Harry The Dirty Dog and my kids had both Harry and interactive computer games, Leap Pad, and Hooked on Phonics.  Different and varied paths to the same destination.

Pamela Colman Smith Commemorative Set- The Fool

One of the questions I am asked frequently by people who want to learn tarot but are unsure where to start is what deck to use.  My suggestion is two pick up two decks- a bog standard printing of the Pamela Colman Smith/Arthur Waite collaboration commonly known as the Rider Waite Smith deck, because most tarot books today and classes teach based on this system.  My favorite printing of this deck is the Pamela Colman Smith Commemorative Set published by U.S. Games Systems, Inc. in 2009.  The colors are subtle and the cardstock lovely to hold and shuffle.  Not everyone connects to the art in this deck, so I also suggest each student get another deck which they just love for the way it looks.  If it follows Smith Waite tradition, great, but a new student is unlikely to be able to tell.  Just get something with 78 cards that insists it come home with you.  Tarot is a language of pictures, so it matters that the reader likes what they are seeing.  I also suggest that they NOT buy any books about learning tarot until they have a firm grasp on what they feel each card means, but most people ignore that one.

Anna K Tarot- 8 of Swords

After all these years of amassing decks, I have come to decide that for me, there is no "The One", and the although the search has been fun, I am always let down as deck after deck does not quite fulfill me the way I was hoping.   Then it dawned on me- when I let go of my expectation that a man would make me happy, and just went about making myself happy, I found the perfect guy for me.  Now I don't expect him to make me complete, but he just kinda does.  It probably works the same for tarot decks.  I carry the key to my own satisfaction inside me, and when I am happy with myself as a reader I am not expecting a deck to transform me.  Now I can enjoy each individual deck for what it has to offer, and unlike husbands, I can pick up another whenever I like.  (My husband is endlessly fascinating to me.  Just to be clear.)

So, collect decks as time, space, and money allow, but follow your own bliss in that area.  You only need one.  After that you are just making piles.  I know fabulous readers that only use one deck, and not having a collection that even equals 1% of mine does not hinder any person as a reader.  If anything, the opposite is true.  Bringing decks into your home does not make a tarot reader.  Having books on your shelf doesn't, either.  Throwing down cards and coming to grips with them, even it feels like you are Jacob wrestling the angel (and sometimes, you probably are), that is what makes a tarot reader.

About half the people I read for want me to tell their fortune.  I think this is a fun way to spend some time, and I do think tarot cards are accurate for this purpose, with the caveat that they give a snapshot of a moment in time, and sometimes just glimpsing the future causes us to change the outcome.  Also, I am human, and fallible.  I won't do a reading I cant give my all to, but I make occasional mistakes.  The right cards come up, but sometimes, like all readers, I misinterpret them.  I try not to, but it happens.  I can see this as I look over my personal journals and I learn from each mistake.  I tend to read the cards wrongly when I think I already know the answer, so if we are friends and I have not read for you when asked, this is the most likely reason.  I try to let go of my bias, but am not always able to.

A small percentage of people are just testing me, and I usually figure that out pretty fast.  I then give them the opportunity to change their mind and have the reading, or I politely decline to do the reading and hand their money back.  I want to help the people that need my readings, not convince skeptics.

The rest of my sitters tend to be people who want answers, who want to explore the present or delve into the past.  I am not a therapist, but a tarot reading can often be a faster form of figuring out what you really need in order to move forward. You lay the cards, and instantly see areas of blockage and emotional frustration, where traditional talk therapy can take several sessions to build trust and start to reveal issues.

Aquatic Tarot- Death

I am thinking about this subject tonight because I am considering exploring a past relationship for myself with cards.  My sisters' father passed away today, and I am sad for them, and sad for him, that he never seemed to quite get it together, that peace was elusive for him.  I am not grieving for me, though, because I decided a long time ago to cut some ties in my life, and the relationship with my own mother and him was one of the things I decided was unsalvageable, and I have never looked back.  Instead of trying to force my blood family into being the kinds of people I wanted them to be, which surely would have been an exercise in frustration for all of us, I decided to work on making myself the kind of person I wanted to be, to raise my kids the best way I know how, and sometimes that has come from having a clear "NO" example to work from.  I decided to become the kind of woman who would attract the kind of man who wanted the same kind of family I have always longed for, and while it's a work in progress, I feel I have been fairly successful in this.  I really do have it all- brilliant, loving kids, a kind and adoring husband, work that challenges and fulfills me, and I am lucky.  I desperately want strong family ties, and almost my whole life is built around creating traditions and a value system for my children that encourage that for them.  I believe in creating my own fortune, and am doing so, day by day.

I have chosen to not pursue relationships with some members of my family not because I am a cold, vindictive bitch who doesn't love anyone, but because I am a warm and loving person who would turn the entire world inside out for my children's best interests, and a sensitive one who feels hurts soul deep.  I firmly believe forgiveness is necessary, but does not require that you allow people to continue to hurt you.  I have always wished my parents well, and my siblings, even the ones I am not close to.  I love them, but I chose to step off the sick cycle carousel.

It has been brought to my attention, both on this sad day and before, that my siblings may not have experienced our shared childhood in the same way I did.  I have two brothers and three sisters, that's six of us all together, and my stepfather had a whole mess of kids, as well, two of which I was close to as a young teenager.  That is a whole lot of people, and in trying to understand I have realized that even though we were all there, all experiencing the same thing, we did not perceive it in the same way.  Each person's perception  really is their reality, isn't it?

Tarot comes into this because through the lens of the cards we can explore the sometimes murky waters of our pasts, and pull forth nuggets of truth we can grasp onto.  The creative force that places the card, which I call God, or Goddess, depending on my level of subversiveness on a given day, never gives us things we can't deal with, which means some are held back, while some are revealed, and we are given the tools to deal with them.

Tarot can help us sift through the debris of a difficult relationship.  We can ask the cards what the lesson to learn was.  We can ask for reminders of good memories so that we can experience positivity that may have been lacking.  We can rewrite the pages of our own history in a way that allows us to process our pain and our joy and all the moments in between.

Aquatic Tarot- Eight of Pentacles

When I asked something positive I could know to be true about the relationship between my stepfather and I, the Eight of Pentacles appeared.  He worked with his hands, and he worked hard.  He took on the responsibility of caring for children that were not his own.  He made that commitment and took it seriously.  When I relate the card to its' corresponding trump, Strength (VIII) I can see that was a form of battling some of his inner demons, and there were times he won.  He adored my baby sisters, who were his, and I remember the light in his eyes when one of them would toddle up to him and call him Daddy.  I think he did the best he could with my mother, and I think he was as willing to love me as I was willing to let him and return the love.  The man in this card is a craftsman, comfortable in his trade, so I can see that my stepfather was at home in his role and felt good about it.  He worked on our relationship, and there was more work to be done that could have improved it further.  As adults, I share an equal responsibility for choosing to not invest the essential energy in the relationship.

Now, no longer having the luxury of that time, I wish him peace, and I wish peace for my siblings.  I thank him for the lessons, I thank him for his physical presence, thank him for the love and for the his efforts.  I hope he gets to go fishing every day now, and walk all around in the big sunshine, outdoors where he was happiest.  I know in the presence of the Divine he will know, all the way to the depths of his soul, the kind of love that he always seemed to searching for, and I am happy for that.

Poor, Neglected Blog

Summer has completely gotten away from me!

When I started this blog, I had the best of intentions. I was going to come here every day with something so witty, so heartbreakingly beautiful to say, and I am just severely falling short of that mark. Sometimes my feet hurt and I am hungry and cranky and my kids are being brats and I all I can do is wonder,"Why me?"

I think some of my issue with writing here is that I am aware that not only my eyes see it, though I adore interacting with people this way. I get nervous sometimes because I have put myself on display, and while I do not believe in dwelling in negative feelings, I also don't believe in not facing them when I have them. But I don't expect anyone else to have to deal with my darkside blatherings, ya dig?

My blog has languished, but my ink-and-paper tarot journal has positively blossomed! I think, though, that I am ready to climb back on the ol' tarot blogging horse and let that pony run. I feel compelled to kick it old school style with either Seventy Eight Weeks, or possibly a one deck wonder type of study. I dunno, but I am happy, happy to be back!

Scanner Woes

Ugh so my scanner has decided to stop working and this is distressing for me except that I sagely scanned all of the Deviant Moon deck, so I guess I shall be working with that one exculsively for a bit on the blog. Well, that is one way to force PDR posts!