Friday, July 6, 2012

Daily Draw - The Moon, Knight of Pentacles, Eight of Swords

Dark Fairytale Tarot- Moon, Knight of Pentacles, Eight of Swords


Today is my sisters' birthday.  Happy birthday, Sister!  I'd call her and tell her but we have been estranged for years and I am not inclined to try to fix that.  I love my sister, but one thing life has taught me is that some people are better off being loved from afar.  I know she thinks I don't, and I actually understand that quite well.  As I wrote myself only yesterday, there is no such thing as love, at least not to anyone outside of your own soul.  There are only proofs of love, and I have not given her many of those.

My sister is The Moon, dark and unknowable, at least to me.  I want to trust her, so much, but I believe I can't.  I have been blessed with sisters in law who are beautiful in every way, and I'd like to become even closer to them, but neither of them ever whispered to me in the dark under sweltering covers, or played wizards and potions with me.  They don't understand, nor should anyone, the shared horror and beauty of our childhood, and the two are so entwined we don't even know where one ends and the other began.  My sister is wild, like the wolfsong, and she is savagely beautiful, but like all wild things, I don't believe I should try to touch her.

The Eight of Swords is me, bound by the thoughts and memories I can't let go of, branded with the words she labelled me with.  Mine say "whore" and "two faced bitch" instead of "vampire", and they still bleed, all these years later.  Even though I know I should be able to define my own reality, when I think of my sister I am small and like Eminem croons, "I am whatever you at I am.  If I wasn't, then why would you say I am?"  and I don't want to be the things she has labelled me, so I stay away from her.

The Knight of Pentacles, in desperate flight from the wolves that represent my sister to me, is probably me too.  I want to leave my past behind, but I want strong family ties at the same time, and I am not sure I can have both.  I feel those dead hands reaching out to me, wanting to drag me back there, back to the place where my mother called me "Moo Moo Mandy" and my sister did too, and why wouldn't she, when that was what she was taught?
Dark Fairytale Tarot- Death

The Death card again appears as the Shadow, and I realize that at some point I have to integrate that fat, dirty little girl, the one no one wanted, with the myself of today, a woman who is infinitely loved and has infinite love to share.  I have to forgive my mother, and forgive my sister, and I have to do so knowing they will never ask for that forgiveness.  They do not even think they wronged me.  I also have to acknowledge the hurts I have caused, because it's not like I am an innocent bystander in my own life.  We were not taught to hold family ties sacred, and my tongue can be as sharp as either of theirs.

I truly do wish my sister the happiest of birthdays, the brightest of blessings, and the best that love and life can possibly give her.  I have to do so with the seemingly contradictory knowledge that we may never be in the same place at the same time as adults, that we may never be the kind of sisters I yearn for, and to be.  It's not her job to make me okay with that.  It is mine to come to terms with.





These cards are from Dark Fairytale Tarot by Rafaele De Angleis, published by Lo Scarabeo.

12 comments:

  1. I really enjoy reading your daily draws. I've only been studying Tarot for a few months, and had been doing a single card daily draw. It was really cool to see how you make the connections in your 3 cards, and I LOVE the idea of the shadow card, so I've been trying your method for the last 3 days. I thought it might be intimidating, but I'm really enjoying the process. I haven't found it difficult to interpret the cards at all. I've found that my deck has a sense of humor, as well.

    Thanks for the inspiration to try something new!

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    1. Thank you for stopping by, and please forgive my late replies. I am glad the cards are coming together for you! That is a true joy!

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  2. I've been fighting with my sister for months. She basically destroyed our relationship in favour of her fiance, who has been lying about a few things for years now, and who, for some reason, she chooses to believe and have in her life instead of me. The other day, she denied saying things to me, such as, "you've done nothing with your life, and you have no future" (let alone the things she said that were a lot worseO), but she's said them repeatedly - accusing me of jealousy, because she's got one thing that's different in her life: her engagement.

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    1. The people we love the most also have the most power to hurt us. Don't let those words define you, Angela. It would be natural to be jealous, if she had a good relationship, but there is a kind of jealousy that is mean spirited, and that doesn't strike me as your type, and the kind that is more like a wistful longing, ie, "I wish I had something that good." It doesn't sound like she got a good one, though, and one thing I know for sure is it is better to be alone than to be in a crappy relationship. Light and blessings to all of you in this situation. Sisters are hard.

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  3. I just recently found your blog and I truly enjoy reading your daily draws and how you tie them to your life. (And I'm enjoying this deck. I just got mine today so I haven't had time to use it yet, but I like it a lot more than I thought I would.)

    Your post today is so heartfelt and poignant (especially your description of your sister in relation to The Moon); it made me sad and hopeful all at the same time. You have such an artful way with words, and I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us.

    Thank You!
    EarthAngel2911
    www.loveoftarot.com

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    1. Thank you for coming by! I like this deck a lot more than I thought I would, too. I feel sad and hopeful about my sister, too, so I am not surprised that came through. She is beautiful, like the Moon, and far away, and largely unknowable, at least for me. But I love her.

      Thanks for leaving the link to your site! I am looking forward to exploring it!

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  4. Dear Manda,

    The voice within the words you've written above seem both gracious and strong. As heartfelt as they are starkly honest. It seems to me you have built, and so to navigate a path with lines cleanly drawn. The phrase, "survival of the fittest" came to mind upon conclusion of reading your post.

    Sending Peace and Light your way (your sister and mothers too).

    Yep - from a complete and total stranger.

    DehviantGirl

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    1. I'll take love from wherever it may come, and send some right back at you! Thank you!

      I am glad I came across as gracious as strong. Sometimes I don't feel that way. A lot of times I want to beg my sister to just love me, and tell her I'll forget anything that has happened and ignore anything that may happen in the future, because I want that relationship so badly. But I have compromised many things to have that label, "Family", and I am not going to do that anymore. We all deserve better.

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  5. Hi Manda,

    Sorry to hear about your sister, I am in a similar situation with my Aunt. Sending you love from the tropics!

    I wanted to ask you about the Dark Fairytale Tarot. Are you thinking of reviewing it? : )

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    1. Yes I am! I have the scans ready and I know what I want to say. Just waiting for my surgery to wear off. Look for the review this week. And thank you for asking!

      Sending you and your aunt blessings of love and healing!

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  6. Very deep and honest writing. I love people who are able to examine themselves this way. Sending hugs!

    XOX,
    MM

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    1. Haha! I love that you think I did something good here. I'll bet my sister would disagree, but we disagree on many issues. That is how we came to be here. Thank you for stopping by with your bright smile and sweet words!

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