This morning I was greeted by an angel for my daily draw - the Ace of Wands from the Touchstone Tarot. I love the bright expectation of the Aces most of the time, and today is no exception. This Ace is the one of fiery intensity, bursting creativity, and dynamic energy. I can relate this to my daily life because I need to cultivate a bit of that just now. I know what I need to be doing with my life, I am just having trouble balancing that with the need to buy new kicks for kids, keeping them fed reasonably well, and keeping a roof over our heads.
Through working on The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron I have discovered that I have the belief that writers are poor and have to pursue their craft on the sidelines, that I don't feel confident in my abilities to make a living doing something I love. I have the ingrained belief that you have to suffer at your work, and that sitting here, clacking away at the keyboard, is not real work at all, and it is preposterous that I should get paid for it. In my heart I know this is not true, and if I were advising a friend on these matters I would never speak so harshly to them. I would encourage them to follow their dreams, because at the end of the day, that is all any of us really has. We get one go-round at this life and I while taking care of the kidlettes is the absolute priority, I doubt I will look back at the end and be proud of the years I have held myself back from doing what I really needed to do.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~Mark Twain
Several weeks ago, I dreamt repeatedly about the Three of Wands, live and in living color. I felt the cool sea air against my skin. My nostrils were full of the tangy salt smell, and the sunshine warmed my face as I looked out over the harbor. I watched in eager anticipation as the ships glided into the harbor. At the time, I did not know why I was dreaming so vividly about this one card, one that I have not studied thoroughly and not one I particularly feel drawn to, generally speaking. But as time goes by I am starting to understand more. If I had dreamt of the two, it may have represented an urgent longing to do something about it, but no, it was the three, and that makes all the difference. I hesitate because I am scared, of not making enough money, of not being able to care for my kids, of being crazy, and drunk, and unstable, and most of all, more than any of that, that I do not have something important enough to say that anyone will want to read it, or that I will have these beautiful ideas trapped, unable to find the words that release them. But letting fear control me should not be an option, and my slew of positive cards assure me that no matter the outcome, I can have assurance that I am going to be okay. Better than okay. Fantastic even!It is my true belief that God, or Spirit, or however you call the Creative Lifeforce of the Universe, puts deep desire on our hearts because those things are part of His plan for us, and His plans are good for us because He is not the angry deity looking down from some far off perch for something to punish. He is the patient Father who loves us tenderly, and the sweet Mother who stays up all night worrying for us, and He wants our success, our joy, and our fulfillment. It's just that He wants us to know those things flow from Him. In that belief, I am so very grateful for the constant reassurances I am given, the gentle prodding, and the not so gentle pushes, when I need that. In tarot I have found the way that I understand God's language the best, and I have found a way to bring forth all those things that I couldn't name before.
"The place that God calls us is that place where the world's deep hunger and our deep desire meet." ~Fredrick Buechner
I know that we all walk our own spiritual path and it is my deep desire to not give any offense by calling God "God" and "Him". I actually believe that in the trinity unit of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, that Spirit, the One that rests upon the earth, the One that causes things to happen, the One whose touch we can feel on our lives in the most intimate way, is the Divine Feminine aspect of God. I think that most people who call themselves Christian have earned a scornful look from the rest of the world, but I strive very hard to not pass judgment on others, or to insist that I know the right way. I only know the right way for me, and while I take the Bible as truth, I do not take it as the only truth. I am a Christian, not an ignorant *grin*
If anyone is interested in The Artist's Way, which I believe is helpful for everyone Beth Owl's Daughter is blogging very perceptively about the process of it, with an invitation to join her!
These images are from the Touchstone Tarot by Kat Black for Kunati.
loved reading about your faith. i can identify with much of it. i don't go to church any more but i still miss it - especially the praise portion... praising god in unison with other believers... *sigh* you are SO not ignorant! xx
ReplyDeleteThe praise and worship section is my favorite, it's the reason I go to church at all, probably. Thanks for not thinking me an ignoramus *grin*
ReplyDeleteThere are so many people in this world that are making a living, clacking at keyboards, miserably making more money for other people than they are for themselves. I know that writing isn't always easy, but you make it look easy (I'm not kissing up, it's true), just like my mother. She wanted to be a writer, but ended up working for banks and mortgage companies, and is now out of a job.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what to think about God, but I do believe in angels (due to an experience that i had when I was three), spirit guides, reincarnation, etc... :) We used to attend Midnight Mass, when we lived in England; my favourite being one that was held in an old, English stone church... it was all lit up with candles, and I loved that we were there for the service on Christmas Eve.
I don't think that all Christians are ignorant; I've been annoyed by atheists who didn't want to hear anything from those who believe in God, but in turn, repeatedly pushed their own beliefs onto *them*. On 43things, one person made a list of people who bothered him - specifically because they believed in God, and weren't shy about writing about their own beliefs. ugh.
I've worked through The Artist's Way before (and used to read Beth Owl's Daughter regularly.. I don't know why I stopped), so was appalled when I realized that I was having trouble just sitting and drawing, "Because I should be seriously working on something, not playing." ??? I can't believe that I slid into that mindset.