Thursday, September 1, 2011

Daily Draw - Eight of Wands, Six of Swords, Queen of Cups

Today, these cards make me think of how we sometimes need a little (or gigantic) push to get to where we are supposed to be.  The couple in the Eight of Wands are probably getting on just fine, but Cupid is going to let his arrows fly and help them along.  To me, the Six of Swords is  journey, but often a reluctant one, one we didn't really want to take, but look- when we arrive the Queen of Cups greets us with open arms and a beatific smile.

When I think about the way these cards relate to my life, and in light of the shadow card of the draw, I can't help but think about a failed love affair.  Or maybe it wasn't failed, but did exactly what is was supposed to, which for me was put me firmly in the path and mindset to be open and ready for the amazing marriage I am experiencing today.  There was love between us, an immense amount of it, and friendship, too, which I am discovering more and more is the more important ingredient in a successful relationship, but nothing we did seemed to be able to make us able to be together.  This was an exercise in extreme frustration for both of us, and took a nasty toll on both of us, but one of my best and worst attributes is that I hang on tenaciously, and I refused to let go of this relationship.  Love should have been enough, right?  It wasn't though, and it took the Universe breaking both of our hearts over and over to finally make me understand that it just wasn't meant to be.

And I grieved.  I grieved so hard I made myself sick with it.  I cried so long and hard I didn't think there was any way out and I would never be happy again.  And I hated him.  As much as I loved him, I hated him too.  And I hated myself for letting myself go that far down that road.

Then one day I ran into an old friend, and one thing led to another, and then he had his hand on my knee, and it just felt  right, and then he had his lips pressed against mine, and that felt even righter, and all the feelings that had smoldered below the surface of our friendship for years lit on fire, and we have been inseparable since that night.  Now I am married to the absolutely right person for me, as I hope and pray and every indication seems to be that I am the right person for him.  The point I am making, though, is that I did not choose to be there, that way.  Things could have gone an altogether different way and I would have missed out on the very best thing that has ever been mine, if I had not been pushed and forced out of the thing that was very good, but just not quite right.  I did not choose that path.  I was forced down it.  And I am lucky for having had my heart broken so thoroughly.

The Lovers card in this deck really highlights the choice aspect, with the man being drawn to the siren of the watery depths, even though following her will surely mean his death, to the great grief of his other love.  I have tried to explain to my former love, though I am not sure he believes me, that there is room in the human heart for more than one person.  There is not room in my definition of marriage and fidelity for more than one lover, but what I feel for my husband does not diminish nor eradicate what I felt and feel for him.  I would not have been able to pick, so Love chose for me, and that hurt like a bitch, but I can't be sorry now, except for the pain we both felt in the meantime.  For me, that pain forced me to grow into the kind of person that is the kind of wife my husband needs, compassionate and gentle, like the Queen of Cups, and I am not sure I would have become that without the catalyst of the immense pain I went through.

These cards are from Twilight Realm: A Tarot of Faery by Beth Wilder for Schiffer Books.

1 comment:

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