Daily Draw - A Story with an Ending

Once upon there was a pair of sisters.  Times were hard, but they were hard for everyone, so the sisters did not feel especially persecuted.  Their father had left before they were born to seek his fortune on one of the shipping vessels that came in and out of the port, kissing their mother on the nose and promising to come back rich and make all of her dreams come true.  The seas were cruel that season, and Maiden's Glory proved to be the maiden's downfall in truth as she spilled her cargo and crew into the gaping maw of a black storm.  Their mother grew as salty as the sea she gazed into for hours on end, and by the time the girls were born, one squalling and red, the other mewling like a white kitten, she was so lost in her grief even her newborn babes could not call her back from it.  The twilight haze of the opium dens, where she could chase the half formed memories of her lost love, were more appealing to her than the drudgery of raising the children who were the only legacy of that love.  The man with the yellow eyes would provide the opium as long as the coin flowed, and with the last one left to their mother, she ordered a black mushroom as well.  The man with the yellow eyes never hesitated as he slid the pipe and the fungi across the counter to their mother, and as she chewed, the taste of salt and earth and her lovers' seed filled her senses, and as she drifted into her opium dreams to find her smiling young sailor, she felt herself transform once again into his laughing girl.  So lost in her reverie, she never thought once of the girls she was leaving behind and she never felt the black bile rise in her throat, nor did she turn to spill it onto the ground, but rather let it smother her, her long and desperate grief made manifest after all this time.

Nicoletta Ceccoli Tarot - The Devil, Five of Swords, Five of Cups

The girls were young, but they were clever, and they knew how to sew, and how to garden, and they could read and they could write, so they lived quietly and comfortably in their cottage, sad for the loss of the mother they never really had and sad for the father they wished they had known, but taking comfort in each other.  Celine, the mewling kitten who had grown into a soft and sweet young lady, was prone to fits of melancholy, which Celeste, the fiercer and more sturdy of the twins, was forever pulling her out of.

One year after their mothers' death Celine was in a particularly melancholy mood, feeling the waves of sadness wash over her as she made her way home from her position as a nanny to a rich family.  Lost in her thoughts of her mother, her dreams of her father, and wishing she could be braver and stronger like her sister, she nearly stumbled into the man with the yellow eyes as he stepped from the dark doorway.  Tobacco smoke curled from his lips as he smiled a smile that did not quite reach his yellow eyes.  "Careful there," he said, as his hand gripped her elbow to hold her up.  She smiled timidly and tried to take her arm away, but he only strengthened his grip.  Not knowing what to do, Celine stood frozen.  "Would you like to step inside?  It's warm and it's comfortable, and I have exactly what you need."  Celine nodded mutely, and the man with the yellow eyes wasted no time pulling her into his den.

As the twilight mellowed into evening and then true night, Celeste became frantic.  Neither girl came home late as a rule, and she threw on her cloak and stepped out into the night air to walk the route she knew her sister must have taken.  She strode through the dark with purpose, with her head held high, her eyes meeting those of the few people she encountered so that they would know she was not afraid.  She walked all the way to the home of her sisters' employer, where she noted the dark windows, and she turned around to retrace her steps.  When she reached the street where the man with the yellow eyes kept his den, she turned down it, even though both sisters usually avoided the place, finding the memory of their mothers' death too sad.  She slowed as she approached the opium den, and stopped.  She wouldn't go in there, she thought, and even as she made up her mind to continue on, the door swung open.  A dead eyed man slunk out, stumbled briefly, and slumped against the side of the building.  A pretty girl, too skinny and just as dead eyed, nearly fell out the door but an arm, hairy and rippling with muscles, reached out, further than seemed possible without revealing the body it would be attached to.  Meaty fingers grasped at her collar, and she reversed her falling motion to return unceremoniously from whence she came.  As the door swung closed again, Celeste caught the barest hint of a gleam of golden hair in the shadows, and she gasped.  Without another thought, she steeled herself and marched through the doors of the opium den.

Sweet smoke mingled with the acrid odor of unwashed bodies and dimmed her vision.  The room was dark, with bodies strewn across faded cushions.  As her eyes adjusted, she moved further in, gingerly sidestepping piles of sick and perilously cast pipes.  "Celine," she whispered through her teeth, but she was answered with more dead eyed stares.  A grasping hand tangled itself in her billowing skirt, and as she yanked the fabric from between the ragged fingernails, she turned to see her sister, lank in the arms of the man with the yellow eyes, who had scooped her up and was turning down an even darker hall with her.  "Stop," she cried, and the man with the yellow eyes turned to face her.

"Yes?" he asked, lazily arching his brow as he stroked the pale skin of her sisters exposed neck.

"You have my sister," Celeste stated calmly.  "I see that she is unwell, so I will take her home with me.  Thank you for caring for her but now it is time we leave"

"Oh, will you?" he asked, still bemused.

"I will," Celeste nodded as she started to move forward.  With a single motion of his finger, two thugs appeared from the shadows. With an arm in each thugs firm embrace, Celeste glared at the man with the yellow eyes.  "What is the meaning of this?" she demanded.

"This slut partook of my product but she did not have the coin to pay for it.  So she will earn her comfort with her body." the man with the yellow eyes explained in a level voice.

"That is my sister and she is not a slut!" Celeste proclaimed.

"Well she will be when I am done with her.  Please remove this creature," he said to the thugs.  "She is too loud for our patrons comfort."  To Celeste he said, "You are not as pretty as your sister.  If you wish to pay her debt, you must do four times the work I expect from her this night.  If you return I will take that as your consent to the bargain."  The man with the yellow eyes continued down the hall.  Celine moaned softly as he ungraciously bumped her head against the wall, but she did not wake.

Celeste drove her sharp heel into the shin of the thug to her left, and with an "Oof!" he let go of her arm.  The thug to her right reacted swiftly, pulling her in, but Celeste was quicker, bringing her knee to squarely meet his crotch.  He doubled over in pain, and the thug to her left grabbed her from behind.  She used all her strength to shove her elbow into his gut, then into his nose as he bent over in pain.  She felt the crunch of the nose break as blood gushed from his face.  She grabbed a pipe from a prostrate patron, who only protested weakly in his stupor, and held the misting end up to the left side thugs nose.  As he breathed in he relaxed, and as he drifted away into the opium dream, she did the same to the right side thug.  When he was also soundly in his cups, she smashed the pipe against the floor, leaving herself a deadly sliver of the sharpest glass.  She jumped to her feet and followed the man with the yellow eyes.

A flickering light under the doorway led her to her sister, who was laying prone on a filthy mattress, without even a tattered sheet or dirty blanket to cover her.  The man with the yellow eyes had his back to the door, and so he did not see Celeste as she sprang upon him, sliver flashing in the candlelight.  She struck at his face, but he turned away, and so she slashed a jagged line through it, where blood welled and began to spill like tears.  The man's yellow eyes bulged, and he brought his fist back to hit Celeste.  She rolled away, and his momentum caused him to stumble.  She reached for his ankle, slashed wildly, and crippled him neatly with her makeshift dagger.  He rolled over as she crept forward, and when she slid the silvered pipe between his ribs, he closed his yellow eyes, never to open them again.

"Celine, Celine, wake, please wake," Celeste cried as she shook her sister, but it was no use.  Celine's chest rose and fell, barely perceptible, but she was lost to this world.  Defeated at last, Celeste curled up next to her sister on the filthy mattress, wrapped her arms around her, and spoke her softly, "Celine, I love you, you are my sister, I love you.  Please come back to me.  You are all I have, and I need you."

The night wore on, and the sisters continued to breathe in tandem, Celine's breath shallow and soft, Celeste's ragged and tear filled.  As morning broke and the dingy room began to grow light, Celine's eyelids began to flicker.  They opened in confusion, and Celeste cried out, "Oh, sister!  You are awake!  Are you well?  Let's go home, let's leave this place."

It took Celine but a moment to take in the horror of the room, the man with his closed yellow eyes in a dark pool of blood, the filthy bed, her torn clothes on the floor, and she screamed in horror.  "Shh, shh, sweet sister, shh," Celeste tried to soothe her, but the girl was inconsolable.  She tore at her hair and she tore at her skin and she sobbed.

"What have I done, I am ruined, I will have his baby, and he's not even alive anymore to claim it even if he would," she wept into her sisters' arms.

"No, Celine, no, he never touched you, he never did.  I got here before he could do the evil deed, he never did touch you," Celeste assured her, but Celine was beyond her reach.  "Let's go home, sister," Celeste pleaded.  "Let's go home and you will rest and you will heal and it smells good there."  Celine nodded her acquiescence, and Celeste jumped to gather her clothing.  "These are torn, they will not do.  I will grab something to cover you and I will be right back," Celeste promised, and she darted into the dark hallway.  Cloaks of many colors and conditions lined the hall, remnants of opiate filled patrons who neither remembered nor cared that they had a cloak when they arrived, and she snatched the first one her fingers met.  She turned back to the door and entered it with the cloak in her hand.  Celine had fallen back asleep, which surprised Celeste given the vehemence of her tears only moments before and the horror of the man with the yellow eyes laying dead on the floor.  Celeste rushed to her sisters side and shook her, crying, "Celine, Celine!"  She was answered with a trickle of black bile leaking from her sisters mouth, and as Celeste pulled her upright, Celine's hand fell open, dropping a black mushroom with one dainty bite taken from it onto the dirty floor.

And so the man with the yellow eyes had his price, though he also paid a steep one, and so Celeste lost her one true love to sadness, to despair, to grief.  Celine fell prey to the temptation of easy escape, and Celeste fought hard to save them both.  Her best efforts were not enough to convince her sister to live, yet Celeste had a spine of steel and she went on to live a full and happy life.  She slayed her sisters, and her own, demon, but she did not get to keep her sister.  Celeste thought of Celine every day, and though she had tears in her eyes when she did, she also smiled, because even though it was unbearably sad, the love never left her at all.

These cards are from the Nicoletta Ceccoli Tarot, published by Lo Scarabeo.

Waning Moon Tarot Spread

To keep rhythm with the moon today I am doing the Waning Moon Tarot Spread, courtesy of Ethony on Tumblr.  I am using the Archeon Tarot by Timothy Lantz.  I have trimmed the large borders and titles from my working deck to free the dreamy landscape to flow over and through the images.

Waning Moon Tarot Spread: Archeon Tarot- Death, The Chariot, Ace of Cups, Five of Cups

Card One: Waning- What do I need to release?  Death.
 I tend to have a scorched earth attitude towards things I leave behind.  I am often all or nothing, and I don't need to be that way.  I can exercise a little moderation, and I don't have to turn away from a thing altogether in order to move forward.  In regards to my back injury, I keep hoping for the day I wake up and I am remade, a whole new person, and that simply is not going to happen.

Card Two: Reverse- What can I reverse to help me or my situation?  The Chariot.
 I tend to have a rather bullish attitude about things, believing I can power through the unsavory parts of life, or see hard things through with sheer tenacity.  Although this has served me well in many cases, some situations need a little more finesse.  Sometimes I can (and should) hold on loosely.  I cannot force my healing through my usual means of getting things done.

Card Three: Hecate- What path is in line with my highest self?  Ace of Cups.
Love.  Love is always the appropriate response.  This was the clear message in the single card reading I did for my October project, being documented on Instagram, #ShadowWorkOctober.  Let love flow, let it fill me, let it spill over, stop putting restrictions on what it looks like, what it feels like, besides good, and what it can accomplish.  I need to focus on the love in my life.

Card Four: Guidance- What guidance can the waning moon show me? Five of Cups.
I am not a great multitasker, which means when I focus on what I don't have, I do not have the attention span to really feel, enjoy, and appreciate all the things I do have.  I think it's a normal and natural response to remember the things and the people that are no longer in our lives as better, or smoother, than they really were.  There's no use crying over spilled perfume, and since I am lucky, I have the memory of the scent to see me through, but my focus needs to be here and now in this place.  I can feel sorry for myself forever, I really could, but there is nothing to be accomplished with that attitude.

Do you like to do spreads based on the cycles of the Moon?  Please share if you do!

These cards are from the Archeon Tarot by Timothy Lantz, published by U.S. Games Systems, Inc.

Real Talk

I have been so sad to see so many beautiful, wonderful blogs go to the wayside.  Here's the truth- blogging is hard work, and creating exceptional content is a constant pressure.  When all is right with the world for me, this is the kind of alchemy that eventually creates diamonds, a joyous process that gives me far more than it takes, and when it doesn't, it's the kind of pressure that I react to by burying myself under a pile of blankets and self doubt.  It's a flaw in me, and I am not so arrogant as to act as if I am not a deeply flawed person.

I am not going to promise that I am going to be a better blogger, or tarot reader, or anything.  I am just going to show up, because that is how trust is earned, by doing more than promising.

I am going to share a little of what is going on in my world- The Man is handsome and wonderful, although working way too hard and not being in my presence nearly often enough.  My munchkins maybe need a new name to be called, as the baby is 13 and truly a young lady.  Exceptional young people, all of them, and I am filled with pride and love just to think their names.  The back injury that was supposed to be over with a few chiropractic sessions persists, and while it could be worse, and of course I am grateful it isn't, I don't think it does any good to pretend it is better than it is, either.  I remain hopeful and optimistic, but I am where I am and I am making the best of it.

One of the things about writing a blog, or engaging in social media, or existing on the Internet at all, even just having an Amazon account, is that I am giving people permission to view my life through my words and my pictures, and because there is not usually a conversation, people who are determined to misunderstand me have found plenty of reasons to do so.  The negative associations I have come to through my blog and social media are far, far outweighed by the wonderful people and connections I have made and treasure, and yet, once bitten has made me twice shy.  I have no desire to pay a lawyer outrageous hourly fees so that we can discuss the legality of the things I discuss here (spoiler: If it's true it's not slander or libel, and it is hella hard to prove those allegations) and I don't appreciate the feeling of being on display, but once the Publish button is pushed, I am putting myself on display, for better or worse.  I'm not the first person to experience this, and I won't be the last, and it should not take up this much of my time or energy.

Quote by Anne Lamott, author

I won't be silenced.  I will write.  I will write about my life.  I will write about my cards, and the places where those things intersect.  I will be respectful and I will be kind but I will not tell lies and I will not pretend things are different, and while I do not use names, I will expect that if people want to be portrayed well in my space, they had damned sure better act better, or at least in a way that allows my compassionate nature to find a reason why.

I'm interested in a conversation about how you protect yourself from haters and trolls, and even those people who may not quite reach that elevated status but whom you just don't care to engage with yet maintain social media, and if you run an online business, the necessary presence and authenticity without inviting those people in.  And I appreciate all of you!

Our New Home!

When we think about the big things that happen in life, buying a new home is right up there with the biggest.  We did not really intend to move just now, but opportunity has knocked and we have flung the door open.  We are onward to bigger and better, and I am excited, if not a little nervous for the logistics of a move while I am nearly incapacitated.

Like anyone, I am eager to know how we will fare in our new home, and I asked my cards to tell me the deal.  My previous readings when contemplating the move were all in favor, which surprised me as I would have thought they would argue for staying put as I heal, but I saw happiness, financial growth, and an ease of energy I was not expecting.  I do not make my decisions based on the cards alone, but they sure do offer clarity in times of confusion!

Tarot by Alexander Daniloff 2012- Five of Swords, The Fool, Two of Swords

The Five of Swords is related directly to the Shadow Card, which we will look at shortly, and also my  reading of yesterday, which talked about leaving some things behind, and doing so willingly or not, it is still going to happen.  Here I see a man who has made a stand.  He has dropped some Swords but is keeping some, and he is no longer running.  He stops here, and he looks boldly at us from his solid position.  That is indicative of my husband and myself.  We have compromised.  We have done what we were "supposed" to do, and here is where we find ourselves.  It doesn't matter, because we are triumphant, and in this card, there are no retreating figures, so there is no worry about being triumphant over a particular person or integrity issues in that triumph.  We just win in the situation, against the odds.  The housing market is in the toilet.  We feared being able to sell our home for what we paid for it, but we have managed not only to do that but even better and to find another home we can afford that will suit us even better than this one has.

In my three card free form Daily Draw readings I am inclined to give the central card the most weight, and The Fool as a Major Arcana would be the most important card in this reading by its' nature of being a Major Arcana.  A new home is a new journey!  The Sun in the upper right hand corner and the Moon just below show our optimism and our emotions are riding high right now and of course our pets, like the Fool's dog, will be going along with us.  This rendition of the Fool shows him crossing a bridge that I see as made of a Wand, symbolizing spirit and passion, to another cliff.  He is not simply walking off, and neither are we.  It would be nerve wracking to cross a chasm on a small log, but if you are confident and careful it is easily done.  It is nervous right now as we prepare for this move but it is good too.  We have a plan and as long as we stick to it we are gonna be just fine.  The owl at his head equals wisdom to me, so despite the name, he is not foolish, and neither are we.  It is exciting, and we are jovial, but our eyes our wide open as we make this move.

The Two of Swords specifically indicates me to me, and that has to do with the placement of the Moon symbolism, which I see as femininity and emotions, right there at the root chakra, having to do with sex, money, and power.  When I see the strong symbols for emotions in the Moon and the water in the background, this card really does hold it all, and the woman is bursting through into that.  I see this as my home to own, to shine in, to build upon, and I see it as a place where all aspects of ourselves are safe to express.  I am blindfolded, which reinforces the energy of The Fool, especially as they look in towards each other, because we can't know everything that will happen, but just have to have faith that we have all the tools to deal spectacularly with whatever may come.

I moved into this house with my husband, but it has never felt exactly like home to me, through no fault of my handsome man.  The new home, though, already feels like just that, home.  I can see that I have a lot of high hopes for this move to push some stuck energy, but I have to be honest with myself that while the move will help, it is not the solution to all my problems.

Daniloff Tarot- The Emperor

The Shadow Card is The Emperor, and I am so happy to see him appear.  Home is sacred, home deserves protection, and he shows up here in his commanding glory to remind us to place our boundaries strong, because good fences do make for good neighbors.  He is strong, and he reminds us to be strong and protective of the things that matter most in life, which for me are my family and their sense of who they are.

He also reminds me to be disciplined, an issue I have in every aspect of my life.  A little organization and thrust will go far towards making this home a great one, and if the chuckleheads need some firm reminders of what home means, I will have to be willing to give them.

So excited!





These cards are from Tarot by Alexander Daniloff 2012, self published by the artist.

Daily Draw- King of Swords, The Tower, Five of Wands

My Daily Draws this week have been big cards, big concepts, and extremely heavy cards.  These ones are, too.  The good news is, I have not seen any of these big things happening in my outside life, so I am thinking they are more internal and that kind of shift.  If they are not, then they are events happening outside my sphere of current awareness and when I know about them I will be able to look back here and relate them to the cards I have been pulling.

Mystic Dreamer Tarot- King of Swords, The Tower, Five of Wands

These cards remind me most of how to get through a crisis situation.  The King of Swords is sublimely cool and unaffected.  He would never let an emotion get in the way of his logic, and the next cards are highly emotionally charged, so his collectedness is a valuable asset.  The Tower is always a card about massive disruption, and sometimes total destruction.  Judging by the card following it, the Five of Wands, which I often think of as inner struggle, this is a more internal process.  I am looking to the King of Swords for advice to stay cool, calm, and emotionally disengaged from potential swirling chaos.

Mystic Dreamer Tarot- Five of Cups

The thing is, my life is calm at the moment and I want it to be.  This is where reading for oneself can be a dangerous prospect.  Not dangerous as in harmful, but if I let it, these chaotic and big cards I am pulling this week could upset my peace of mind, and as of this moment there is no reason for that.  There is no physical evidence of change or upheaval, and my inner processes are all pretty much on an even keel.  I could also be turning a blind eye to something, but I don't think so.  Perhaps the most likely thing is something will come to light. and then I can say, "Ohhhhh!"

The Shadow Card of the reading is the Five of Cups.  I like the brave lift of her chin in this card, as if she is aware that she has lost some things, but she has retained the most important one, which is the two unbroken Cups, which relate to me back to the Two of Cups, sacred contracts and deep, abiding love.  When the Five of Cups appears we have to grieve our losses, but we must also be careful to not let ourselves get lost in them.  That far off castle in the background is her home to go back to whenever she pleases, and that can't be taken away.

Wisdom of the House of Night Oracle- Strength

The card from The Wisdom of the House of Night Oracle I have pulled is Strength, and it does a ot to assuage any fears the lightning struck Tower up there might give me.  The book reads, "Sometimes life will present you with challenges that you think are too difficult to endure." I am pulling these cards separately, from two different decks, so I know that I am getting true readings.  The book goes on, "Does it seem as if nothing goes your way and that everyone else appears to be having a good time?  Drawing this symbol means that, no matter what is happening in your life, you have the strength to endure all experiences.  Like an ancient oak whose trunk cannot be uprooted by the mightiest storm, you will know a strength that comes from within.  You will win this game of life!  You have the strength to face any situation now!" That is most reassuring!  (Although I have to admit to finding this language a bit too happy-happy joy-joy for me, but this deck is based on a book series for young adults and probably suits its' target audience perfectly.  I have not read the books.)

I am not scared of the readings I have been getting, but I am being aware, and that is a huge benefit of reading cards in and of itself- the ability to be aware.



These cards are from Mystic Dreamer Tarot by Heidi Darras and Barbara Moore, published by Llewellyn, and Wisdom of the House of Night Oracle by P.C. Cast and Colette baron-Reid, published by Potter Style.

Daily Draw- King of Cups, Five of Swords, The Hermit

"There are three methods to gaining wisdom. The first is reflection, which is the highest. The second is limitation, which is the easiest. The third is experience, which is the bitterest." ~Confucius

I have the very distinct and slightly uncomfortable feeling that, like it or not, I am about to get a lesson all three ways today, or in the near future.

Mystic Dreamer Tarot- King of Cups, Five of Swords, The Hermit

There are some decks in which the King of Cups looks terribly put upon, almost sighing in resignation, and this is one of them to me.  His scepter is draped casually at his knee and he is more interested in his drink than the rest of the reading.

In the Five of Swords, two figures walk away from the third.  They don't look defeated to me.  They look like they have just decided that bitch and her trifling ways just aren't worth their time so they are on to bigger and better things.  The woman with the Swords may feel she has won but victory is always in the eye of the beholder.  The other two may very well feel victorious in being rid of her and her poisonous energy, and count any price paid a bargain.

The Hermit is the wise old man who who is looking over the whole reading.  If there is anything of value here, he will find it, and alchemically turn this nasty bit into gold.  Such is his power.  He is also representative of Saturn, on whom I have nine(!) aspects hinging on in my chart, so I know there is a lesson for me here about turning limitations into opportunities.

Mystic Dreamer Tarot- Two of Wands

The Shadow Card of this reading is the Two of Wands.  He is so much like a wanna-be Magician in this rendition.  All in all, I am getting the distinct impression someone would like to put one over on me.  I do not think they will be successful, because I appear often as The Magician in my own readings, not this weaker looking version.  They are welcome to try, though.  I am as disengaged as the King of Cups, as willing to walk away as the girls in the Five of Swords, and use every experience as a learning one like The Hermit.

From Wisdom of the House of Night Oracle I drew Vision (Aphrodite).  Before I look to the book, I instantly relate The Moon in this card to all The Moons in the Mystic Dreamer Tarot, which often signifies mystery and what can't be known, so I know this card resonates with this reading.  As soon I read this card represents Aphrodite, who in her Venusian guise rules over a big chunk of my astrological chart, and who is the goddess of love, I know that no matter what else may happen, the answer to all of my problems is love- love of self, love of my family, even love for those who would hurt me.  That is their darkness spilling over.  I don't have to let people continue to hurt me, and won't, but they can't make me hate them, either.  At best, they can earn my aloof disdain, as so strongly displayed in these cards.

Wisdom of the House of Night Oracle- Vision

The book reads, "When you choose this symbol, it means that no matter what you lose in your life, something better will replace it." And continues, "To know the future is to be prepared." So I guess all I have to say in return is, "Bring it." No one has the ability to bring me down but me.




These cards are from Mystic Dreamer Tarot by Heidi Darras and Barbara Moore, published by Llewellyn, and Wisdom of the House of Night Oracle by P.C. Cast and Colette Baron Reid, published by Potter Style.

The Worst Thanksgiving

Don't be fooled by the title- Today was lovely in every way for me, and I hope for you, too!  Happy Thanksgiving to you if you are my neighbor is the States, and Happy Thanksgiving to you even if you are not.  I still hope your day was awesome!

This set of cards is about a Thanksgiving I did not fare so well, and I did not randomly draw them.  I chose them specifically to tell you this story.

Tarot of the Tattoo Age- Five of Pentacles, Eight of Swords, Seven of Cups

The first Thanksgiving on my own was hard.  The Ex was not allowed to see the kids, by order of the court, and consequently not any help to me at all.  We were all heartbroken already, and I had a shitty job in a shitty town that barely kept us fed.  I was involved with someone, who in retrospect, I had probably latched onto to boost my deflated self esteem, and just not to be alone, although later on I was very much in love with him, so it is hard to tell when exactly that happened.  For some reason, perhaps immaturity on his part, or my simple unreadiness to be in a relationship so soon after the demise of my last one, he picked Thanksgiving of that year to pick a fight with me that ended in a (temporary) break up.  He was not involved with my kids, as I have always been very careful about who comes around my babies, so they had no idea why mama was crying into the mashed potatoes, and I to this day am ashamed that I lost it so totally that day.  I roasted a turkey, made gravy, performed all my duties, but all of it was salted with my tears.

The Five of Pentacles shows me cast out from my home, adrift and feeling alone, until I was involved with this guy.  I was not as healthy then as I am today, and I very much wanted to just go back to the way things used to be for me, not with The Ex, but with someone.  I thought I had found that in him, and then he cast me aside, too.  Before that day I had never see his anger, and the heat of it shocked me as I fled, but I was begging, almost, to stay too.  The Eight of Swords displays my grief, my feelings of helplessness, and abandonment.  I felt utterly bound by the feelings I had for him, and I couldn't understand how I could be so bound and he not.  Her nakedness also reflects my shame at how I had put myself, all of me, on display to him, and been found lacking.  The Seven of Cups illustrates my heart being wrung of every dream it had ever dared to dream, and I cried a river that day, for him, for my old way of life, for my children who I feared would never see their dad again, and just out of ragged, raw grief for it all, not least of all for the lost vision of who I really was.

We eventually made up, that very evening, after I had managed to pull it together to serve my kids their meal, just we four, and my aunt who carried me through a time I could not walk for myself.  We went on to be on again off again for years, and I may have saved myself a lot of pain if I had just believed him when he showed me who he really was, which was, and is, a wonderful man with a thousand good qualities, but just not quite right for me, nor I for him.

(For the sake of clarity, both mine and yours- Neither The Ex or this excellent man I am wring about are were, or ever will be responsible for me and my issues.  That is, was, and while I hopefully will never have another issue I am not yet ascended, so I know it's a real possibility, will be all about me.  I own everything and regret very little.)

Tarot of the Tattoo Age- The Sun

Today, I am healthy and I am strong, and even before I began dating my now husband I had grown into that.  I hold the keys to my own happiness, and I do not expect anyone to make me so.  I believe people when they tell me, through deed or words, who they really are, and I then interact with them on that basis.  I love myself so I do not need anyone else to, although I delight in the lavish love The Man heaps upon me.  My kids have a healthy mother who always puts them first, and while they may see an occasional tear, because I believe children need to learn every emotion is valid so they can express them in a healthy way, it is never hysterics nowadays.

I am now living out my happy ending to a fairy tale romance, day by day, and I have never been better.  I am loved, I am capable, I feel beautiful and adored.  I am able to love deeply and trust fully, my reward being the most contented marriage I could ever imagine.  My husband is literally better than I had even bothered to dream up for myself.

I am not telling this story to boast of my good fortune (even though my husband deserves every praise I could think up and then some) because it was not luck at all.  I saw that I was sick, and I set out on a quest to get healthy.  Tarot was an intrinsic part of that for me.  I am telling this story because I was as broken as a person can possibly be, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and nearly physically, and if I can heal to emerge stronger, better, happier, and ever more sure of my purpose, I promise you anyone can.  You just have to want to be well more than you want whatever you are addicted to (for me it was getting my validation from the men I was with), and you have to chase your health down, being ever patient but firm with yourself about the way things are going to be from here on out.

Today, my mantra is happy, healthy, holy, wealthy, and I live in each moment like it is a gift.  If you aren't able to do yet, please know that one day, if you make the effort, you will be able to.  God will meet you anywhere, even, no, especially, in the depths of your own personal hell.  Love to you.  Blessings to you.  You deserve it all, and you can have it all!

The Five of Pentacles is by artist JR Maloney.
The Eight of Swords is by artist Ian Jones.
The Seven of Cups is by artist Scott Ellis.

The Sun is by artist Dave Sanchez.

These cards are from Tarot of the Tattoo Age, a collaborative project self published by Flaco Productions, LLC.

If you (he) are reading this, please know that I thank you for every good memory, of which I have so many to choose from, and I hold no grudge or ill will.  I feel only warmth and love when I think of you, no resentment or sadness, and I wish you every good thing life has to offer.  I am sorry for the ways I wronged you, and if you care for my forgiveness, you have had it for a long time.  Be well, be blessed, be loved and love in return.  You deserve nothing less.

Daily Draw- Five of Wands, Seven of Wands, King of Swords

Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers in the United States, and a blessed day to all of you!  First, I want to say that I am thankful for each one of you, for coming here to read what I have to say, for delighting in my variety of decks along with me, and for your thoughtful comments which always make me think, too.  I am blessed with an awesome audience, and it is a joy to write for you all, as well as just for myself.  Thank you for your support and the time you spend with me!

This morning's cards kind of have me giggling-

Tarot of the Tattoo Age- Five of Wands, Seven of Wands, King of Swords

That wide eyed Five of Wands looks a lot like I did when my alarm went off at 4 o'clock this morning, and I often see this card as an inner struggle, and getting this holiday together has sure been an inner struggle for me, as I posted yesterday.  I also have a major caffeine high (bless that Kuerig, and bless me, for I have sinned) and that adds to my wide eyed wonder.  Throughout the process of the cooking, which has been somewhat disorganized, I have felt like a monkey jumping around, and sometimes, about as apt as a monkey would be in the kitchen.  It's been kind of a battle of me against my kitchen, and all that fire talks about cooking, but it's been a comedy of errors, not a serious war.  That King of Swords, normally such a solemn fellow, is even funny in this portrayal, as the Frog King.  I think this is The Man, looking passively on this all delightful chaos, cool headed as he always is, ready to jump in to help, but wisely holding his tongue, as evidenced by the Sword in his mouth.  If I am allowed a little joke at his expense, he is completely my frog I kissed who morphed into a prince, or more fitting for our ages, the King, and he holds my heart in his hands, just like this King of Swords.

Tarot of the Tattoo Age- Four of Swords

The Shadow Card is the Four of Swords, and while some exhaustion on a holiday can't be avoided, I gave myself some of it by my late night hours and early mornings, not always giving myself the kind of rest I truly need.  I would have done myself a solid by getting to sleep early last night, but the lure of my handsome man and my book kept me up late, as always.  My own rueful fault, but when I am on my deathbed I won't wish I slept more.  I will be grateful for the strong bonds with my kids and my husband, and then I will sleep.

I hope your Thanksgiving has been calmer, through better planning, than mine, and every bit as blessed!

The Five of Wands is by artist Chris Arredondo.
The Seven of Wands is by artist Brenda Flatmo.

The King of Swords is by artist Tia Janitch.

The Four of swords is by artist Thoma Hooper.

These cards are from Tarot of the Tattoo Age, a collaborative project self published by Flaco Productions, LLC.

NicNoodle & The End of Cheer Season

Another mundane question for The Sirian Starseed Tarot today, except all mothers know nothing that has to do with their kids is really mundane.  It all matters desperately to us, if it matters at all to our kids.  There is a saying that a mother is only as happy as her saddest kid, and I have found that to be true.

Danica, however, is not the least bit sad, at least not today.  Although it did not have to be, since they emerged victorious, today was her last Cheerleading competition in her first year.  Having taken First in their division at Regionals, my sweet girl and the Spartan Cheerleaders are qualified to attend Nationals in February in Orlando, but the coaches do not feel like they can ask the parents to spend that kind of money, since we had no idea we were dealing with superstar cheerleaders this year and we did not plan for it.

Sirian Starseed Tarot- Reflection (Hermit)

I want to know how Cheer has affected my girl, and the answer is a kindly old gentleman who has been around a lot this week- Reflection, or The Hermit.  I take this to mean that she has grown a lot, learned a lot, and is on a path to becoming who she is meant to be.  Although she now has a sweet baby brother, she is the baby in this part of the family, something that has sparked a lot of rivalry between the Little J Man and her, since he was the baby before his dad and I married, and our union placed him squarely in the middle of the sibling group, but she has been both beautifully mentored this year, as well as having the opportunity to be a mentor and leader herself.  As the Back Spot for her stunt group, she was responsible for helping the younger girls get into place and making sure their part of the cheer routine came off without a hitch.  I really think this has been an amazing experience for her not only because she has found something to love, grown in her self esteem, but also because she has, for probably the first time, been responsible for leading and teaching her peers, and since she is the youngest in a family full of boys, she was not likely to get that experience at home.

She has decided Cheer is her thing, along with acting, writing, singing, drawing, photography, and scrap booking, and she is now taking a tumbling class to help emerge a stronger, more skillful Cheerleader next season.  I am so proud of her for her initiative and her incredibly hard work!

Sirian Starseed Tarot- Five of Chalices (Cups)

The Shadow Card of this reading is the Five of Chalices, a card which signals to me that while she is currently high on her teams' win, she is going to soon feel the emptiness those hours not filled with practice, travel, games, performances, and competitions leaves, as well as the camaraderie of her peers on the team.  Since football and Cheer has ended, I am not sure any of us are going to know what to do with our not-packed weekends.  There is a high danger of her forgetting the parts of Cheer she did not like, the practice she had to do outside of the group and the primping that goes into getting the hair and make up just so.  She has expressed interest in competitive full time Cheer, but that is both expensive and time consuming.  One of her coaches recommends it, and the other says no, that girls that start competitive Cheer this young get burned out by the time they are in high school.  I think she might feel bad that her dad and I just aren't going to be able to invest in a full time competitive team, without remembering that a lot of work goes into it on her end, too.  She has a tumbling class, intended to sharpen cheerleading skills, she has choir, she has theater classes, Scrapbooking Club, and she is just going to be happy with what we can provide.  Hopefully this can be an opportunity to learn to be grateful for what we do get, instead of bemoaning what we can't have.

These cards are from The Sirian Starseed Tarot by Patricia Cori and Alysa Bartha, published by North  Atlantic Books.