Thursday, November 22, 2012

The Worst Thanksgiving

Don't be fooled by the title- Today was lovely in every way for me, and I hope for you, too!  Happy Thanksgiving to you if you are my neighbor is the States, and Happy Thanksgiving to you even if you are not.  I still hope your day was awesome!

This set of cards is about a Thanksgiving I did not fare so well, and I did not randomly draw them.  I chose them specifically to tell you this story.
Tarot of the Tattoo Age- Five of Pentacles, Eight of Swords, Seven of Cups

The first Thanksgiving on my own was hard.  The Ex was not allowed to see the kids, by order of the court, and consequently not any help to me at all.  We were all heartbroken already, and I had a shitty job in a shitty town that barely kept us fed.  I was involved with someone, who in retrospect, I had probably latched onto to boost my deflated self esteem, and just not to be alone, although later on I was very much in love with him, so it is hard to tell when exactly that happened.  For some reason, perhaps immaturity on his part, or my simple unreadiness to be in a relationship so soon after the demise of my last one, he picked Thanksgiving of that year to pick a fight with me that ended in a (temporary) break up.  He was not involved with my kids, as I have always been very careful about who comes around my babies, so they had no idea why mama was crying into the mashed potatoes, and I to this day am ashamed that I lost it so totally that day.  I roasted a turkey, made gravy, performed all my duties, but all of it was salted with my tears.

The Five of Pentacles shows me cast out from my home, adrift and feeling alone, until I was involved with this guy.  I was not as healthy then as I am today, and I very much wanted to just go back to the way things used to be for me, not with The Ex, but with someone.  I thought I had found that in him, and then he cast me aside, too.  Before that day I had never see his anger, and the heat of it shocked me as I fled, but I was begging, almost, to stay too.  The Eight of Swords displays my grief, my feelings of helplessness, and abandonment.  I felt utterly bound by the feelings I had for him, and I couldn't understand how I could be so bound and he not.  Her nakedness also reflects my shame at how I had put myself, all of me, on display to him, and been found lacking.  The Seven of Cups illustrates my heart being wrung of every dream it had ever dared to dream, and I cried a river that day, for him, for my old way of life, for my children who I feared would never see their dad again, and just out of ragged, raw grief for it all, not least of all for the lost vision of who I really was.

We eventually made up, that very evening, after I had managed to pull it together to serve my kids their meal, just we four, and my aunt who carried me through a time I could not walk for myself.  We went on to be on again off again for years, and I may have saved myself a lot of pain if I had just believed him when he showed me who he really was, which was, and is, a wonderful man with a thousand good qualities, but just not quite right for me, nor I for him.

(For the sake of clarity, both mine and yours- Neither The Ex or this excellent man I am wring about are were, or ever will be responsible for me and my issues.  That is, was, and while I hopefully will never have another issue I am not yet ascended, so I know it's a real possibility, will be all about me.  I own everything and regret very little.)

Tarot of the Tattoo Age- The Sun
Today, I am healthy and I am strong, and even before I began dating my now husband I had grown into that.  I hold the keys to my own happiness, and I do not expect anyone to make me so.  I believe people when they tell me, through deed or words, who they really are, and I then interact with them on that basis.  I love myself so I do not need anyone else to, although I delight in the lavish love The Man heaps upon me.  My kids have a healthy mother who always puts them first, and while they may see an occasional tear, because I believe children need to learn every emotion is valid so they can express them in a healthy way, it is never hysterics nowadays.

I am now living out my happy ending to a fairy tale romance, day by day, and I have never been better.  I am loved, I am capable, I feel beautiful and adored.  I am able to love deeply and trust fully, my reward being the most contented marriage I could ever imagine.  My husband is literally better than I had even bothered to dream up for myself.

I am not telling this story to boast of my good fortune (even though my husband deserves every praise I could think up and then some) because it was not luck at all.  I saw that I was sick, and I set out on a quest to get healthy.  Tarot was an intrinsic part of that for me.  I am telling this story because I was as broken as a person can possibly be, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and nearly physically, and if I can heal to emerge stronger, better, happier, and ever more sure of my purpose, I promise you anyone can.  You just have to want to be well more than you want whatever you are addicted to (for me it was getting my validation from the men I was with), and you have to chase your health down, being ever patient but firm with yourself about the way things are going to be from here on out.

Today, my mantra is happy, healthy, holy, wealthy, and I live in each moment like it is a gift.  If you aren't able to do yet, please know that one day, if you make the effort, you will be able to.  God will meet you anywhere, even, no, especially, in the depths of your own personal hell.  Love to you.  Blessings to you.  You deserve it all, and you can have it all!

The Five of Pentacles is by artist JR Maloney.
The Eight of Swords is by artist Ian Jones.
The Seven of Cups is by artist Scott Ellis.
The Sun is by artist Dave Sanchez.

These cards are from Tarot of the Tattoo Age, a collaborative project self published by Flaco Productions, LLC.

If you (he) are reading this, please know that I thank you for every good memory, of which I have so many to choose from, and I hold no grudge or ill will.  I feel only warmth and love when I think of you, no resentment or sadness, and I wish you every good thing life has to offer.  I am sorry for the ways I wronged you, and if you care for my forgiveness, you have had it for a long time.  Be well, be blessed, be loved and love in return.  You deserve nothing less.

1 comment:

  1. He was always amazing to me, and probably is still. I'll love him to the day I die, and I will always be the lucky one who got to love him and be loved by him.

    "Ass" is probably not too strong of a word, at least in this instance, but I am an ass myself at times, and maybe during this one. It is human nature. Immaturity- I don't know. There are worse character flaws, and that one is addressable. I have never been an angel, myself.