Real Talk

I have been so sad to see so many beautiful, wonderful blogs go to the wayside.  Here's the truth- blogging is hard work, and creating exceptional content is a constant pressure.  When all is right with the world for me, this is the kind of alchemy that eventually creates diamonds, a joyous process that gives me far more than it takes, and when it doesn't, it's the kind of pressure that I react to by burying myself under a pile of blankets and self doubt.  It's a flaw in me, and I am not so arrogant as to act as if I am not a deeply flawed person.

I am not going to promise that I am going to be a better blogger, or tarot reader, or anything.  I am just going to show up, because that is how trust is earned, by doing more than promising.

I am going to share a little of what is going on in my world- The Man is handsome and wonderful, although working way too hard and not being in my presence nearly often enough.  My munchkins maybe need a new name to be called, as the baby is 13 and truly a young lady.  Exceptional young people, all of them, and I am filled with pride and love just to think their names.  The back injury that was supposed to be over with a few chiropractic sessions persists, and while it could be worse, and of course I am grateful it isn't, I don't think it does any good to pretend it is better than it is, either.  I remain hopeful and optimistic, but I am where I am and I am making the best of it.

One of the things about writing a blog, or engaging in social media, or existing on the Internet at all, even just having an Amazon account, is that I am giving people permission to view my life through my words and my pictures, and because there is not usually a conversation, people who are determined to misunderstand me have found plenty of reasons to do so.  The negative associations I have come to through my blog and social media are far, far outweighed by the wonderful people and connections I have made and treasure, and yet, once bitten has made me twice shy.  I have no desire to pay a lawyer outrageous hourly fees so that we can discuss the legality of the things I discuss here (spoiler: If it's true it's not slander or libel, and it is hella hard to prove those allegations) and I don't appreciate the feeling of being on display, but once the Publish button is pushed, I am putting myself on display, for better or worse.  I'm not the first person to experience this, and I won't be the last, and it should not take up this much of my time or energy.

Quote by Anne Lamott, author

I won't be silenced.  I will write.  I will write about my life.  I will write about my cards, and the places where those things intersect.  I will be respectful and I will be kind but I will not tell lies and I will not pretend things are different, and while I do not use names, I will expect that if people want to be portrayed well in my space, they had damned sure better act better, or at least in a way that allows my compassionate nature to find a reason why.

I'm interested in a conversation about how you protect yourself from haters and trolls, and even those people who may not quite reach that elevated status but whom you just don't care to engage with yet maintain social media, and if you run an online business, the necessary presence and authenticity without inviting those people in.  And I appreciate all of you!

Daily Draw- King of Wands, Nine of Wands, Knight of Pentacles

I have been trying to avoid various combinations of these cards for the past 24 hours.  The fact that no matter how many times I have shuffled, how much I have tried to have my own way with the cards but I continue to pull these ones, tells me they have a message I need to decipher today.  If I am being really honest, the fact that I don't want to deal with these cards, says that I really do need to face them.

Tarot of the Tattoo Age- King of Wands, Nine of Wands, Knight of Pentacles

Although two Court Cards, the King of Wands and the Knight of Pentacles, bookend this reading I believe they are hinged on the Nine of Wands in the middle.  I am tickled at how, upon first glance, the Nine of Wands reminds me of a fully dressed Thanksgiving turkey, even though through a closer look we see it is beautifully decorated skull.  I have offered to have Thanksgiving dinner at my house, while not large, but I am a little overwhelmed by the enormity of the project I have undertaken.  That is probably reflected in the bravado of the King of Wands, who has no doubt he can do whatever he feels like he wants to in a given moment, but now he has turned away from the issue, at least in this reading.  I volunteered, cheerfully, gladly, because I feel I should care for my family in this way, and I want to.  I just am not in the physical shape to do so, but I ignored that, almost arrogantly, when I said, "Let's do Thanksgiving here."  I can even relate the solidarity and soldier-like attitude of a traditional Nine of Wands to the steadfast plan and not giving up attitude one must have to cook such an enormous meal.  The Knight of Pentacles, who as an aside, I am amused was rendered in shades of grey, which suits him so well, when the artists were of this deck were randomly assigned cards, and most had no prior tarot knowledge, is looking towards the problem, and offers the solution-make a plan, stick to it, don't go too fast, keep my head, and just keep moving forward.  We'll all eat eventually, and although the King of Wands speaks of my need to please and really do an amazing meal, he is not really paying attention to the situation, while the ever pragmatic Knight of Pentacles is fully vested, and he says, "Sometimes good enough has to be good enough.  We'll get through today, and we'll aim to dazzle next time."

Tarot of the Tattoo Age- The Moon

The Shadow Card of my reading is The Moon, which is an irony, as I see this position as something I don't know, something hidden, but something I should know, or something I need to deal with but have put far away from myself.  It has appeared here for two reasons, the first one being my reluctance to deal with these cards, to admit that I can't do everything, that sometimes my mouth writes checks my debilitated body can't cash.

The second reason probably has to do with my nervousness at seeing my brother.  I love him, I adore him, and so he has great power to hurt me, and has.  I am sure I have hurt him, too, so I am not begging excuse from my wrongs.  We have not been in close contact since our former stepfather, the only dad either of us ever really had, for what it was worth, passed away on Valentine's Day of this year.  We both had strong reactions to his death, and they were reactions that did not allow us to grieve together.  I want so much for this day to bring reconciliation, and I believe it will, but I am afraid.  The Moon, though, says that we can't stay where we are, and we must move forward, even if it's scary, because there is no way back, either.  So forward we go, my beloved brother and I, and hopefully for the best.

Just for the record, I have a lot of help- my brother and his lovely girlfriend are making the turkey, my father in law is bringing appetizer trays, my aunt offered any help I may need, and my husband and kids will do absolutely anything for me.  I am not martyring myself for this day.  I am surrounded by loving support and willing helping hands, for which I am ever thankful!  Further, I want to do this.  My father in law would have hosted, or I am sure my aunt or brother would have, but I love playing the hostess, and I am thrilled I get to have so many people I love gathered under my roof, to care for and feed!

The King of Wands is by artist D.J. Rose.
The Nine of Wands is by artist Charlie Grrl.

The Knight of Pentacles is by artist Jason Kelly.
The Moon is by artist Scott Sylvia.

These cards are from Tarot of the Tattoo Age, a collaborative project self published by Flaco Productions, LLC.

New Deck Interview- The Sirian Starseed Tarot

I am going to be honest with you all, because there is no point in not being honest.  Most of you are psychic.  I am intimidated by this deck.  I have seen it on lots of blogs and have opened it, touched it, looked at its' beautiful cards, but it has a New Age vibe that I have never been totally comfortable with, which actually makes me feel it is something I need to do.  Give me a Four of Wands depicting a bunch of friends passing a pipe around and I am totally comfortable.  A Devil with a scantily clad woman fondling her own nipples?  I'm down.  One of my friends used to have a beau who called what I do "dirty tarot" and I did not take that as the insult he meant it to be.  I do down to earth tarot, I do tarot applicable to all aspects of life.  I do tarot helpful in the here and now, not just the lofty "someday".

Once we had a speaker at Denver Tarot Meetup ask me how I would read a set of cards.  I saw, and said, something along the lines of, "Girlfriend needs to dump the cheating bastard and stand on her own two feet.  She needs her own money so she can feel good about herself and stop thinking she needs a man to be complete."

"That's great," the lady said.  "But that's just the surface of tarot.  I like to go deeper, where its' true potential is."

While I believe tarot is a deeply spiritual tool, I also think it can and should address ALL of our issues, and if you know anything about psychology or Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs you will know that we have to take care of "surface" problems before we can really help ourselves, or our clients, with spiritual or deeper psychological issues.  I actually think not all tarot readers should be offer counseling, especially if they are not trained in it, and I believe that we need to give our sitters what they need, which sometimes is a deep, spiritual reading, and sometimes helping them figure out how they are gonna pay the rent this month.  Both are valid concerns, and both need to be addressed, and I believe tarot is not too good for any question.  It can handle the big, the small, the mundane, and the transformational.  Tarot can do it all!

But stepping off my high horse, I want to ask The Sirian Starseed Tarot a few questions.

The Sirian Starseed Tarot- Hanging Man, Master of Flame (King of Wands), Nine of Chalices

What do I need to know about you as a deck?  The Hanging Man- Immediately, the imagery of the pendulum speaks to me, as I remember another time I was skeptical about a modality.  Erina Cowan of Blue Sun Energetics came to Denver Tarot Meetup to teach us about Pendulum Dowsing (you can see her class Meetup page here).  It was a dark and stormy evening.  No really, it was, that's not just the start of my next novel.  I had never worked with a pendulum before, and had no idea how it really might work, but I left that session a believer.  I needed a pendulum so badly I immediately bought one from Erina, which I gifted last Samhain to a forum friend, whom I believe it suited perfectly, but I used it for a good while very happily.  Now I use a different pendulum, pretty much on the daily.

But before any of that had happened, Erina told me that she could feel some resistance from me, and asked if I minded if she used the pendulum to find out some more about it.  I was still doubtful, but intrigued, so I said yes.  With her method of pendulum dowsing, she discovered that I, in a past life, had experienced persecution for my abilities, perhaps even being called a witch, and she told he group it was totally possible to return to that time and change the energy.  She asked my permission to do so, and even though I was still skeptical, I agreed.  I mean, she wasn't even touching me or anything, so no possible harm could be done.  Using her pendulum to release energy, we all went back to that time and place together, and rewrote the history of what happened to me before.  I don't even know if I believe in past lives, but I will tell you this- I felt a release, and I began to cry great big gushing tears, of relief, from a tension I did not even consciously realize I was carrying.  Ever since then, I have not had any feelings of shame, though inadequacy does still plague me (that was not mentioned in her ritual, though) or reticence in talking about what I do, how I do it, or owning my talents, which continue to grow.  You should get the handouts from that night here if you like tarot or pendulums, because Joy Vernon is a rock star when it comes to creating spreads, teaching different modalities, and generally being Completely Joyous, and you should visit her site.  Clearly, I am also highly impressed with Erina's sweet yet strong spirit and highly recommend her as a teacher and healer as well.

So, right away, the imagery of this card, The Hanging Man, took me back to a time and place where I was not too sure I wanted to test the waters, but I benefited deeply from doing so.  My life was literally changed that night.  Just like I am skeptical of using a deck with a theme I am this unfamiliar with, that I am not even sure fits in my personal belief system yet, but the deck is assuring me it is okay to try new things, or using traditional Hanged Man meanings, looking at things from a new perspective.  It is both comforting me and telling me that it has a different perspective than I usually might take, which I already knew, but sometimes cards give us answers we already had, especially in the beginning, to establish trust.

The accompanying book says this of The Hanging Man- "Like a preborn infant in the womb, reversing itself to prepare for passage out of the state of suspended animation of one world and into the next, Hanging Man is observing reality from an inverted perspective.  He is the stilled pendulum, at rest: a potential energy disengaged, floating, meditating, surrendering."

The deck is letting me know it will be my choice how deeply we engage, on what level, and if any changes occur within me as I use this deck.  There are only potentials between us; nothing is written in stone.

What obstacle might I encounter while working with you?  Master of Flames, who would be the King of Wands in a traditionally named deck- From the imagery, I see something that often puts me off "New Age" spirituality, which is a white man dressed in what he imagines is Native garb.  I don't know how many times I have seen people equate Native spirituality with being somehow more "evolved" or better than we  are as modern people, and I say this as someone with Mohican blood running through my veins.  I absolutely despise the Denver March PowWow that happens every year here, which is basically a giant place to sell over priced things and watered down Native-ism.  People, America has always been the size it is now, regardless of what it was called, and there is no one Native America Indian culture.  There were hundreds of them, complete with languages, customs, and religious beliefs that are almost completely lost to time.  These cultures have been utterly destroyed, and their treasures are irretrievable.  So when I see neon green feathers on dancers and white people telling other white people, as well as Natives, that they are doing traditional dances, I get kinda pissed off.  There were no neon feathers.  There was no common language.  Each tribe had its' own dances, rituals, and myths, most of which are lost forever.  Some of this anger may be racial scarring, or memory, but I am just irked by people putting a dream catcher up and calling themselves followers of Native American Spirituality.  Even I, the great niece of the last person to speak the Iroquois language, don't know exactly what that entails, because the culture has been completely eradicated, right down to its' very words. 

In the video posted in my first go round with this deck, I did read that many Sirians lived as Native Americans, so that is potentially why this outfit was chosen.  So far, I have the obstacle of sometimes being annoyed with "New Age"-isms and my own prejudice, and I have the obstacle of potential racial memory causing my ire to rise, without really realizing why.

This is the Master of Flames, and I don't really like to do things I am not good at.  I am not good at suspending my disbelief, and I am not good at reading this deck, at least not yet, but I have volunteered to put my not goodness on display for an entire week, and to people who might be more spiritual than me, who might belong to a special club, the Sirian Starseeds, that I don't, who might be more psychic or judge me for my ignorance.  Silly thoughts, all of them, but I have them.  I would like to appear as the Master of Flames, totally in my element and rocking the party, but I am not able to.  Yet.

Masters are also responsible for their people, and that scares me.  Once I know something, when I have new knowledge, I also have new responsibilities.  Maya Angelou said, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” As I said earlier, I struggle with inadequacy at times, the very anathema to this card, and I don't know if I am ready to know better so I can do better.
 
How can I get over that obstacle? Nine of Chalices- Even though I may have exposed some of my weaknesses as I write today, I feel pretty damn good about being me.  By and large, I have my life pretty much figured out, and it is a good one.  I'm a tarot reader, and my clients tell me I am a pretty good one.  I am a writer, and I may not be a great one, but I am an excellent rewriter and editor, and I can churn out some pretty good ideas and whip them into some interesting reading.  I am a good mother to outstanding children who are articulate, outgoing, pleasant, mostly well mannered, well read, leaders, charming, interesting, fine students, talented, and while they mostly own that for themselves, I had a little hand in it.  I am a damn good wife to a very fine man, and this family is the center of my world.  I love my home.  I choose my friends wisely, so I am not often hurt.  The Nine of Cups is often referred to as the "wish card" and I have pretty much everything I have ever wished for.  So I can tell my insecurities to back the eff off, because no one and nothing can take these things from me.  I am solid in who I am, and if this deck challenges me, that is okay.  Every challenge I meet makes me stronger, and I am grateful for them.

Sirian Starseed Tarot- Ten of Flames

 
What will our week together be like? Ten of Flames, equivalent to the Ten of Wands- The imagery of this card shows me climbing a staircase.  One torch is lit, but I am carrying more.  I have to work for it, but I am getting ever closer to The Sun, where everything will be clear to me and I will bask in its' glory and every delight.  I have all the provisions I need to see me through my journey.  The staircase is a spiral, often a metaphor for spiritual journeys, and I will be taking one this week with this deck.  I may need to pause from time to time, to catch my breath, relating back to The Hanging Man, who is also paused for the moment, so I know that is okay.  That is the nature of my relationship with this deck, that sometimes I may need time to digest, and sometimes i may just need to rest.

Thank you for hanging out with me through this very long post which  turned out to be chattier than I thought it would be.  I hope, as I said this morning, I can do the deck justice, and I am looking forward to our time spent together!

These cards are from The Sirian Starseed Tarot by Patricia Cori and Alysa Bartha, published by North  Atlantic Books.

Daily Draw- Nine of Cups (The North Wind)

Ghosts & Spirits Tarot- Nine of Cups

Clearly, as my week with Ghosts & Spirits Tarot winds down, this deck wants to seduce and entrance me with favorite cards and gentle messages.

This card is based on the story "On The Back Of The North Wind", which you can read in its' entirety here, a story about a boy who got exactly what he wanted (and then he died, but this is the Ghost & Spirit Tarot).  I am lucky, blessed, and have earned, in part, a life that is exactly what I want- an amazing marriage, children who are smart, articulate, well spoken, talented, passionate, and creative, a home I can care for and arrange just the way I want, time to cook, time to write, tarot to stimulate all my senses, and really, I am just happy.  I wish the baby mama drama would end, more for my sweet sons' sake than my own, and more money could be put to judicious use, but by and large this is a happy life, and exactly what I wanted.

One thing Diamond, the boy from the story, and I have I common, is we both knew what we wanted.  I didn't know how I was going to get this husband and this business and grow these kids up right, but I knew those were my priorities.  And even more than that, being me, the most authentically possible me there could be, because in my mind, that is where the secret lies.

This card is from Ghosts & Spirits Tarot by Lisa Hunt, published by U.S. Games, Systems, Inc.

WTF Tarot- WTF Am I So Scared Of?

Witches Tarot- Nine of Swords

You don't have to believe me, but I have been using the cards long enough to be highly aware that many times, they will eff with you, particularly if they feel effed with first. While in my head I know they are just paper and ink, in my heart I know they react to my moods and feelings.

My question was this- "WTF am I so scared of?" and in a twist of irony, I got the Nine of Swords. "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." has to be one of the most overused quotes in all of history (apologies, former President Franklin D. Roosevelt) but that is pretty much exactly what the card(s) told me in response.

The Nine of Swords is all about worry and anguish, staying up all night lamenting what may come, effectively praying for what we don't want. I feel lately like all I am is one giant stress ball of worry. I worry about my back, and this is a good depiction of back pain as well, its' untender mercies, and any sufferer of chronic pain knows that worrying about the pain only makes it worse. I worry about money, directly related to my back, because I can't work two jobs to make ends meet (not that I want to) and I am not even doing so hot with just the one at the moment. I worry about my kids, particularly my stepsons who are being put through the wringer in a custody dispute at the moment. I worry that their mom is a psychic vampire who is literally trying to drain me and/or my husband dry (see, there are even bite marks on her neck) and she has been clear she has no intention of being at peace, has no desire for it, even for the sake of the boys, and we have no choice but to cope with her and her drama because we love those kids.

And funny I should mention drama, because according to Ellen Dugan, celebrated witch and author and co-creator of this deck writes this about the card, "This is the 'drama queen' card. When it turns up in a reading, it symbolizes a person who is always having a crisis or causing drama in coven dynamics or social situations." Which gave me pause for thought- What if I'm the drama queen? That terrifies me. I just want to be chill, do me, and live my life at peace. Even so, I will be the first one to tell you that most people who have to tell you they hate drama actually love it and call it to themselves. Not wanting drama should be one of those things that is just reflected in the way you live your life. For someone who doesn't want drama, I sure seem to have a lot of it in my life.

Witches Tarot Page of Swords, King of Cups

I am a huge believer in cleaning up your messes, and I never leave a client with a giant pile of doo for a reading and tell them just to deal with it. I help them find advice and answers, so I have to be at least as kind to myself.

How can I best cope with my fear as expressed in the Nine of Swords? I pulled the Page of Swords, but that little booger was attached to the King of Cups, so I am going to read them together.

Look how ferocious that Page of Swords is! I'll bet he is just trembling under the weight of that Sword, but his determined face is never going to let that show. He stands at the ready. Pages are the youngest members of the Court, so they carry with them a certain innocence. Swords are about our thoughts, ideas, words, and communications. This rendition leaves no doubt that this Page stands at the ready, and he will do whatever is necessary, but I am just as sure he would be willing to sheathe that weapon if peace could be wrought.

So my first piece of advice is to stay vigilant, but use my words wisely. I need to be as ready for peace as I am for war.

The King of Cups rules from a solid rock amidst the crashing waves of the ocean. He is an island not himself, fully aware of his emotions all around him, but not being swept away by them. Those waters can also signify intuition, and this King is finely in tune with his. The advice of this card is to practice making myself still among these storms of life, because that is the only way I can hear what is true.

I love the cards. Not just these particular ones, but The Cards. They always have something interesting to say, usually something helpful,  and often something funny.





These cards are from The Witches Tarot by Ellen Dugan and Mark Evans, published by Llewellyn.