Friday, June 29, 2012

With An Open Heart

Last weekend I ran into a friend at a local shop, and she pointed out to me I had not posted since May.  That's true, and only partly has to do with my back issues.  I think the biggest thing, is me deciding how to write about tarot and my life without boring people with details they don't want about my life.  Then it hit me, I like to read about tarot, and even more about my friend's lives.  Trying to keep it all professional and cool here is making me not want to write, because while I can certainly conduct myself in a professional manner, I am not cool at all, and nothing is more deeply personal than tarot.

  • Some people stop here to ogle my decks (tarot porn for the win).
  • Some people stop here because they like to read about tarot, and I hope I offer some twists to the cards.  (This is one of my main reasons for reading tarot related blogs.)
  • Some people are literary voyeurs (I know I am one) and like to read about the happenings of other people's lives.
  • Some people appreciate my reviews (I love all reviews; helps decide where to spend my hard won pennies). 

I am going to keep providing all those things, and maybe some new ones, but I am not going to censor myself anymore, because censure feels unnatural to me.  I will lose some readers, but hopefully gain more that want to be here.

So here is what is going on in my world (I want you all to know that I love my life!  I am the happiest I have ever been and I have pretty much everything I have ever wanted.  I am living my happily ever after, but it turns out you don't write The End and then go on smiling and kissing while butterflies flit about your heads.  You live the damn thing!)-

  • Baby mama drama the likes of which I have never experienced (and I pray to Goddess never caused).  My poor husband, my poor stepsons.  It's really, really bad, and occupies a lot of my thoughts.
  • Sickness in the family.  My kids' stepmom is expecting a baby brother for them in September, and she is battling Hodgkins lymphoma herself.  This stresses my kids out and also occupies a lot of my thoughts.
  • Sickness on the home front.  I need surgery on this herniated disc because apparently spewing spinal fluid all over my insides is all the rage in my fifth lumbar.  Let the good times roll.  The Man's entire digestive system is exacting revenge for all the years of cheeseburgers and day old chicken he forced upon it before he became vegetarian by proxy (by marrying me).  We sleep four solid hours on a good night, the rest, if we get it, broken up.
  • Teenager drama.  We have four of them, and the Baby Girl is 10 going on 19 so she may as well be one.  Lord grant me serenity, and all that, because I need it.
  • BFF drama.  My best friend punched me in the face last summer.  I almost died off shock, but it makes me laugh to even write that sentence today.  Surreal!  Somehow I managed to make it all the way through childhood and adolescence without some girl ever pulling my hair and calling me names, but in my mid 30s the person I love best in the world did it.  It was like every episode of Bad Girls Club brought home to Colorado and I am not sure we are recovered yet.
  • This damn economy.  Turns out a herniated disc that progressively requires more and more medication to manage the pain of kinda ruins working conditions, so I have not been working a lot.  On top of which, getting a tarot reading is not at the top of people's lists of Needs when gas is so dear and groceries go up day by day.  Add to that, The Man's company gave him a "promotion" that required a transfer to a much further location, thusly costing more time and expense to get to, and sneakily cut his pay by about a third.  Then they gave us new, crappier insurance, which we pay more for, so cut our benefits.  Bastards.
I hope this doesn't come across as complaining, because I am well aware we are blessed in many ways more important than these things I have listed.  I am aware our troubles are no worse than anyone else's, and in many ways they are less.  We have a home, we have each other, we aren't likely to go hungry anytime soon, and we have (expensive and less than before) insurance.  It's just that I try to keep these kinds of things out of my Daily Draws, but you know what?  They aren't going to stay out, because most days look startling alike in my world (which is how I want it) except for the waves and nuances of these situations.

I pulled a few cards from the Egyptian Oracle Cards to describe my new found freedom.  They practically sang to me.
Egyptian Oracle by Lo Scarabeo- King of Diamonds, Five of Spades, Ten of Hearts

The stern man in the first card speaks of business, trade and alliances.  The book enthusiastically intones, "If you have learned the value of honesty and of giving you have nothing to fear from this man."  I can say with no trepidation that I have nothing to fear from him, and he is here to give a nod of approval to my course.

The second card is Death, and in the card I see a new rising from letting go of what is no longer working for me.  It's hard to let go, but it's easier when we can get excited about what comes next for us, and I am!

The final card shows a dancer reveling in her freedom.  Again, from the book, "Purposes must be clear and simple; the capacity to adapt oneself will keep setbacks, defeats and strife at bay."  My purpose has cleared up, and I am all for keeping those things at bay.

Thanks for sticking with me folks!  Much love to all of you!

These cards are from Egyptian Oracle Cards by Pierluca Zizzi and Severino Baraldi, publsihed by Lo Scarabeo.


  1. Replies
    1. Thank you, Mandy! I am so glad to see you here! I am adding you to the blog roll. I love sassy tarot bloggers!

  2. Wish I'd discovered your blog sooner (found it today thanks to Tarot Tips newsletter). I've put up a link to it on my main Tarot blog. Would follow you via Facebook, et al, but those systems give me hives. (You just can't teach some old dogs new tricks and have them enjoy doing them. :-D)

    1. I am so glad you have stopped by, I appreciate it so much! May I have the link to your tarot blog, too? I'll be glad to add it to my blog roll. I look forward to reading and sharing with you!

  3. Mandy, I had no idea you were going through so much personal...shit. Holy cow. *big hugs* (I'm pretty much in Hermit mode with writing, so apart from my FB walls, Twitter, Amazon and email, I'm not aware of what's going on with others...)

    There is a price to pay for not censoring yourself on your blog (believe me!). But the price it exacts to "put up a front" or refrain from living your authentic truth for fear of losing friends or facing harassment is MUCH higher than any fallout. For me, anyway. I'd rather be hated for what I am, than loved for what I am NOT (or, only the shiny parts I choose to show the world).

    You hang in there, and remember that you're an inspiration and breath of fresh air to those who read your words. Rock on!

    1. It is what it is, and I know I am incredibly lucky. I have amazing kids. I have a man I adore, who adores me. Life is really very good, but I am tired of pretending it is all sunshine and roses. (And a special analogy for Pip- unicorns farting rainbows.)

      I know you have paid that price, Janet. I'm sorry for your troubles, too.

      Thank you for your kind words! I am just going to keep on keeping on, and nothing else matters.

  4. It takes courage to embrace the "all" of what you are and what you experience.

    Those who communicate integration by sharing their "whole truth" leave the world richer. And sometimes, that's because of fertilizing! Shit is good. The "light chasers" or "light embracers" need shit stirred up. That's the only way to see the shadow, let alone integrate it.

    I don't trust or admire rainbow farters. We're living in a dualistic world in dire need of encouragement and hope. And rainbow farts are only a glittery smokescreen. It's the meat and taters of hard-won wisdom and down-in-the-trenches living that affords the real nourishment this world needs.

    Thanks for always offering us a good meal! XO

    1. I am in total agreement, Janet. Thank you!

  5. You are most welcome! You are a gift.

  6. I'm glad you're back. :)

    I closed up my blog, because I'm not a writer, and because it was just all depression, all the time. I remember doing that reading with the joy spread, late Summer 2009 - a number of people left sweet comments - and then I just, well... it wasn't pretty. Still isn't.

    You have a way of writing about this stuff without sounding like you're just whining and being melodramatic. :)