Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Turquoise Lotus Mother

Yesterday I had to make a choice about some relationships in my life, and even more important to me, the lives of my kids.  It was a difficult choice about trying to continue to pursue healing with a group of people or whether to accept that it just isn't possible.  I believe in unending opportunities and that everyone can change their lives at any given moment.  If they want to.

I didn't sleep last night.  I have been nauseated all day.  I let myself get dragged down into the mud, forgetting that you can't pull someone out of it if they want to be dirty.  Mud is slimy, and your fingers slide right off of them if they are not gripping you just as hard.  Then you stand at the edge, dripping grime, feeling foolish, and wondering why they want to wallow in all that filth.  Sometimes, it stains.  Time passes, and you have to decide whether to turn around and go home, leaving them behind, since you can't drag them out, or stay and keep watching, helpless, ineffective, unable to act.

Since I couldn't save this person, much as I may want to, I have to walk away.  Dirty.  And that is okay.  I know how to get my hands and my soul clean again.  And now I know who cries, "Wolf!" There is value in that.

I also have to face the fact that my giant ego gets me into these scrapes.  I often think I can help and just because I can I believe people should want my help.  My ability does not equal their willingness.  This is important for people who work with energy and healing arts.  I need these reminders so that I can focus my time, energy, and attention on people who fit both criteria- that I am able to help, and who actually want that help.

Kuan Yin Oracle
I was hesitant because I am using the Kuan Yin Oracle by Alana Fairchild and Zeng Hao, published by Blue Angel Publishing, and this deck is full of women.  My family is full of women, most of us broken, only a couple of whom want to be free and whole.  I recognize pieces of myself cut off from the Divine Feminine, a reaction to both the rigid religious structure I could never live up to as a kid, and the broken relationship with my own mother, who should have embodied that for me.  It's not like I am the only person in the world whose mother wasn't in a good place to be one yet, and I forgive her faults.  Who am I to judge anyone?  Yet I am fearful of women.  Women, both purposefully and not, have caused my deepest wounding.

"Please tell me what I need to know about yesterday."
I whispered to the cards as I shuffled.  My nausea calmed, my heart opened, and I felt a spiritual cleansing come over me.  This is why I adore cards.  The ritual, the immediacy, this is where my Goddess comes to meet me.  I am never left alone or in pain when I take the steps to meet the Divine.

From the guidebook- "Turquoise Lotus Mother brings precious healing to you now.  Allow yourself to be lifted out of your struggle, beloved one.  An old pattern is finally in its death throes, something that weighed heavily on you from your past.  This can be one of the most testing times to allow something to go, just when it seems to be so demanding of your time, focus and attention.  Yet, do not doubt, you have actually learned the lessons it required of you and now you are being blessed with an opportunity to receive karmic healing."

Tears blurred my vision, and relief flooded through my whole body.  I can let go.  I have done what was required of me.  I don't have to stay here and keep getting the mud slung at me, nor watch people I love wallow in it.  My lesson is complete, and I can go.  I don't want to leave but I have to recognize when I can no longer be useful.  I'll come back, if I am called, but I will tell you this- next time, I am bringing a pole to test both the depth of the murk and the true willingness of the caller to actually accept the help.

I note in the imagery, most important for cartomancy, that she carries with her a lotus blossom.  Lotus flowers grow in the most disgusting ichor at the bottom of a body of water.  I am walking away, but with a gift.  Whenever the people I have had to leave decide to crawl out of the mud, they can bring a lotus blossom, a gift to carry with them and reminder of their time there, too.  I can't give them mine.  You can only appreciate it when you have plucked it for yourself.

This card is from Kuan Yin Oracle by Alana Fairchild and Zeng Hao, published by Blue Angel Publishing.


  1. An amazing deck...and an amazing post. I, too, am fearful of women for the same reasons.

    You know, it may not be your "big fat ego" getting you into such situations...but a "big fat archetypal pattern". There's a difference between them. Do you think you may have a Rescuer archetype?

    1. You are the reason I got this deck, as you know, Janet! Thank you for stopping by. As women we as a group often end up being our own worst enemies, and that is sad. I am purposefully reaching out to people and groups with a feminine feel to make a comfort zone with them, so I can be healthy and whole. Plus I want friends! I am sorry for your issues with women. I'll do my best not to add to them.

      I hadn't thought of it that way because I try to be quick to own my garbage so I can deal with it. I don't have time to be bogged down by it. I'll have to do some research and meditation on the idea of a Rescuer archetype. I have some Caroline Myss books to delve in. Are you familiar with her work?

      Thank you for being quick to offer alternatives besides I am a jerk. This isn't the first time you have done that for me, and it is appreciated!

    2. I told are WAY too hard on yourself. ;o) Yes, it was Myss that got me into archetypes. Sacred Contracts is especially fab. You need to read it.

      You are one of the only women I trust; you'd never add to those kind of issues! In fact, your friendship helps remind me that there are fabulous women out there. Then again, you're one-in-a-million, so... XO

    3. Okay so I have Sacred Contracts, read it a looooong time ago, but I think I was thinking about Carol S. Pearson and typed the wrong name. I'll definitely go back and reread Sacred Contracts soon, after skimming yesterday.

      I was telling my husband last night you are truly psychic, Janet. I took the Hero Within Archetype Test and I scored 79% Creator, 78% Caregiver, 77% Lover. The rest were 40s & 50s, so I guess those archetypes win out. Creators face their Dragon/problems by claiming them as part of self, which I am quick to do (I call it owning my garbage). Caregivers try to care for the Dragon or the person who has been harmed, and Lovers try to love it. I think that all resonates with the way I interact with the people I am closest to.

      In fact, this is one of my favorite quotes-

      "Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

      And my code words I try to bring to my life are unending compassion, love is always the appropriate response (though I am not sure my version of love always looks like people want it to), and non-judgement.

      Thanks for sending me down this path to investigate, Janet!

  2. I have Sacred Contracts, and started to work through it, leading up to the 2011/2012 New Year. I stopped when I had to create a conversation between myself and an archetype, and need to get back to it, although I felt more into it a year ago.

    1. Hmm... Are you having capital "R" Resistance, Angela, in which you are supposed to be doing it but don't want to, or are you truly no longer interested? If you don't feel a drive to do it, but don't feel repelled by it, either, I think it may not be a necessary step for you right now. What we want to do is usually what we should be doing.

      I like that tarot gives us so many opportunities to meet each archetype so you are probably already familiar with them. I have Sacred Contracts, and the Archetype Cards, which are kind of interesting.

      I actually think I meant to say Carol S. Pearson, who has done a lot with The Hero Within, although their work is complementary.