With An Open Heart

Last weekend I ran into a friend at a local shop, and she pointed out to me I had not posted since May.  That's true, and only partly has to do with my back issues.  I think the biggest thing, is me deciding how to write about tarot and my life without boring people with details they don't want about my life.  Then it hit me, I like to read about tarot, and even more about my friend's lives.  Trying to keep it all professional and cool here is making me not want to write, because while I can certainly conduct myself in a professional manner, I am not cool at all, and nothing is more deeply personal than tarot.

• Some people stop here to ogle my decks (tarot porn for the win).
• Some people stop here because they like to read about tarot, and I hope I offer some twists to the cards.  (This is one of my main reasons for reading tarot related blogs.)
• Some people are literary voyeurs (I know I am one) and like to read about the happenings of other people's lives.
• Some people appreciate my reviews (I love all reviews; helps decide where to spend my hard won pennies). 

I am going to keep providing all those things, and maybe some new ones, but I am not going to censor myself anymore, because censure feels unnatural to me.  I will lose some readers, but hopefully gain more that want to be here.

So here is what is going on in my world (I want you all to know that I love my life!  I am the happiest I have ever been and I have pretty much everything I have ever wanted.  I am living my happily ever after, but it turns out you don't write The End and then go on smiling and kissing while butterflies flit about your heads.  You live the damn thing!)-

• Baby mama drama the likes of which I have never experienced (and I pray to Goddess never caused).  My poor husband, my poor stepsons.  It's really, really bad, and occupies a lot of my thoughts.
• Sickness in the family.  My kids' stepmom is expecting a baby brother for them in September, and she is battling Hodgkins lymphoma herself.  This stresses my kids out and also occupies a lot of my thoughts.
• Sickness on the home front.  I need surgery on this herniated disc because apparently spewing spinal fluid all over my insides is all the rage in my fifth lumbar.  Let the good times roll.  The Man's entire digestive system is exacting revenge for all the years of cheeseburgers and day old chicken he forced upon it before he became vegetarian by proxy (by marrying me).  We sleep four solid hours on a good night, the rest, if we get it, broken up.
• Teenager drama.  We have four of them, and the Baby Girl is 10 going on 19 so she may as well be one.  Lord grant me serenity, and all that, because I need it.
• BFF drama.  My best friend punched me in the face last summer.  I almost died off shock, but it makes me laugh to even write that sentence today.  Surreal!  Somehow I managed to make it all the way through childhood and adolescence without some girl ever pulling my hair and calling me names, but in my mid 30s the person I love best in the world did it.  It was like every episode of Bad Girls Club brought home to Colorado and I am not sure we are recovered yet.
• This damn economy.  Turns out a herniated disc that progressively requires more and more medication to manage the pain of kinda ruins working conditions, so I have not been working a lot.  On top of which, getting a tarot reading is not at the top of people's lists of Needs when gas is so dear and groceries go up day by day.  Add to that, The Man's company gave him a "promotion" that required a transfer to a much further location, thusly costing more time and expense to get to, and sneakily cut his pay by about a third.  Then they gave us new, crappier insurance, which we pay more for, so cut our benefits.  Bastards.

I hope this doesn't come across as complaining, because I am well aware we are blessed in many ways more important than these things I have listed.  I am aware our troubles are no worse than anyone else's, and in many ways they are less.  We have a home, we have each other, we aren't likely to go hungry anytime soon, and we have (expensive and less than before) insurance.  It's just that I try to keep these kinds of things out of my Daily Draws, but you know what?  They aren't going to stay out, because most days look startling alike in my world (which is how I want it) except for the waves and nuances of these situations.

I pulled a few cards from the Egyptian Oracle Cards to describe my new found freedom.  They practically sang to me.

Egyptian Oracle by Lo Scarabeo- King of Diamonds, Five of Spades, Ten of Hearts

The stern man in the first card speaks of business, trade and alliances.  The book enthusiastically intones, "If you have learned the value of honesty and of giving you have nothing to fear from this man."  I can say with no trepidation that I have nothing to fear from him, and he is here to give a nod of approval to my course.

The second card is Death, and in the card I see a new rising from letting go of what is no longer working for me.  It's hard to let go, but it's easier when we can get excited about what comes next for us, and I am!

The final card shows a dancer reveling in her freedom.  Again, from the book, "Purposes must be clear and simple; the capacity to adapt oneself will keep setbacks, defeats and strife at bay."  My purpose has cleared up, and I am all for keeping those things at bay.

Thanks for sticking with me folks!  Much love to all of you!





These cards are from Egyptian Oracle Cards by Pierluca Zizzi and Severino Baraldi, publsihed by Lo Scarabeo.

As You Wish Healing Light

I am long overdue to tell you all about the Dare To Live The Possibilities session I had with Pip Miller at As You Wish Healing Light, and my only excuse is this healing session shook some things loose in my life that needed to be set right before I could write about it.

To start with, Pip is extremely gracious and easy to work with.  Her sweet disposition and evident compassion put me at ease right away.  I was unsure what to expect from the session but she reassured me and gave me great advice each step of the way.  Thank you, Pip!

I elected to have the session on a quiet Saturday afternoon, an oxymoron if I have ever heard one, at least in my house, but The Man was kind enough to take the kidtauplets out for the day.  I put on some fresh jammies and made myself a glass of iced tea, lit some incense, and sat on my bed.  And sat. And sat.  My specific focus was on releasing whatever may have been blocking me from growing my business.  I could definitely feel a buzz in the air, a tingling sensation that flitted about different parts of my body, and a general sense of well being and ease.  Most of the session was perfectly comfortable and light feeling, though about halfway through I got an intense pain at a place I can only describe as seeming to be the very middle of my brain, which I do not believe I have ever felt before.  It was momentary, and funnily enough I fell asleep almost as soon as it began.  While dozing, I had the sweetest, lightest dreams, full of soft filtered light and deep comfort.  My eyes fluttered open at exactly 3:31, which was the end time for the session, and I felt absolutely wonderful.  Fantastic! Well rested!  No sign of headache, and even my quarrelsome back was quiet.

I can't tell you how Pip's Healing Light helped my business, but I can't tell you how tarot cards work either, only that I know they do.  Having not changed a single thing about my business, I can tell you I now have a steady stream of clients, where there was only a trickle before.  For me, it is not as much about honing my skills, because that is a lifelong pursuit I will never finish, but about getting the right clients that I can help with my specific talents.  I know there was a release of something in that session that made me more visible and attractive to the people I can help.

Even more important than my business are my personal relationships, and most of those have undergone a transformation in the past few weeks, and that was not even what I asked for.  I thought I was happy, I was in fact happy, but everything is better today than it ever was before.

I have a metric ton of trust issues, stemming back to my childhood and every choice I made as an adult only served to bring me into relationship with people who would reinforce my deep seated belief that I was not worth loving, that everyone would eventually see something rotten in me and (rightfully) get away as quickly as they could.  I have been actively counteracting that old belief and working to build a new mindset for myself for several years now, but tearing down these kinds of strongholds can be a lengthy process.  The Man is a prince among men, I swear he is, and is extremely patient with me, as well as endlessly loving.  He has never done a single thing to shake my faith in him or make me doubt his boundless love for me, but something happened between us, through no fault of his, that made me question everything I thought I knew.  This process was utterly wretched while going through it, I am not going to lie, but completing it together made me more sure than ever how much I love him, how he loves me, how right this life is for both of us.  The timing of this incident, and the feeling I had in my gut, the same as I experienced while the session was taking place, make me sure that something Pip did shook this thing loose for me.  The Man and I were rock solid before, and even more so now.  I did not enjoy that brief period of the shake up, but I am beyond thrilled and happy with the end result.  I have Pip to thank for that.  (TMI alert, but the bedroom has been a rocking place to be since then, too.  It was always good, but it is definitely pumped up a notch or three since then.  Extra kudos to Pip for that!)

My oldest son, I nearly typed boy but at 17 and 6'2 he is nearly a man grown, is the light of my life and I am deeply crazy about him.  And I am being driven deeply crazy by him.  I adore all my kids, all five of the monsters, but I am absolutely certain J and I have some life lessons we were brought together here to learn.  He is the most like me, and we act as mirrors to each other, reflecting both our positive and our demons, one to the other.  Our shared birth date and sense of dry humor and our passion for using words all point to these things.  I think it must be very difficult to be a young man who identifies so deeply with his mother, and he has been very clear about the reflections he sees in me that cause him grief.  The quality of our relationship has suffered, and while our stubborn Taurean hearts will never let us walk away from anyone, I think there have been moments we have both thought it may be easier.  The session I had with Pip marked a turning point in the communication we have been sharing, my son and I, and while there was also the flavor of intense struggle in this situation, just as easily there was a nearly audible popping sensation, and the communication has flowed, and been effective, since then.  I don't even have any words for the gratitude I feel.  Even though I see or speak to him every day, I missed my J man.  I missed him so much there was a giant gash in my being, and nothing could repair or fill it.  Nothing but him, and what was lost has been restored, and I have nothing but optimism for the future for us, as mother and son, and as Mandy and Jarin.

The third relationship that I experienced a shift in was that with the person I still call my best friend.  We have drifted, and at times pushed each other, apart.  While that relationship is going through its' own sets of ups and downs, there was a new type of dialogue opened, and that makes me incredibly hopeful for the future of us.

I like The Ex better than I have in years, I am participating in the repair of other relationships I had given up as lost, I am madly in love with my husband, my kids, and my life.  I am bringing in more cash, always a help when you have that many moppets wanting to eat every single night, and more importantly, I am reaching more people I can help with my work.  My intuitive and empathic abilities are flowing much more easily than they were, and I am finding it easier to make better choices about my lifestyle than I was previously.  Yoga and a walk are looking way better than a three way with Ben and Jerry, so they have been exorcised to a more proper place in my life.

A session with Pip is not a magic pill to cure what ails you, but it is a viable piece of caring for yourself holistically, and for me, it was exactly the kind of jump start I needed for my relationships, career, and general well being.  Thank you so much, Pip!  I am so grateful for the gift of your friendship and the incredible, unique service you offer to people.

Pretty Is As Pretty Does

Tarot of the Cloisters- Strength, Two of Swords, Queen of Staves

 I want to give someone a present, but I am unsure how it will be received.  I decided to do a little spread for some insight.

These cards are full of women, which makes sense as I am a woman, and my potential receiver is a woman.  The first card, Strength, I defined as how she will feel about getting the gift.  I see that she will feel loved, and reminded that there are good things in the world.  My first visual instinct was to see this card as the woman embracing the lion.  I think she has been under a lot of duress and could use a hug, in the form of a gift.  I think that affirmation of her value and worth could even help give her the Strength to keep on going.

The second card I defined as how I feel about giving the gift, and the Two of Swords is an accurate representation of my wishy- washiness.  I want to give the present, but I also want to keep it for myself, and as it is likely to be the only one I ever have to give, I am reluctant to let it go, but I know it would bring joy to someone else.  And that is just my Taurean nature, or a better word is probably selfishness, kicking in, because I have one just like it and gave someone else another just like it I found lost year.  There is always more stuff, and this potential gift is just sitting around my home, waiting for someone to love it.  The woman on this card even physically resembles me, long dark hair, scraggly in the wind.  The vast blue in this card makes me think of emotions, and I realize this is an emotional decision for me to make.

Tarot of the Cloisters- Eight of Pentacles

The third card, The Queen of Staves, is the outcome of the situation if I give the gift.  I hate, hate, hate when I get court cards as outcomes!  HATE!  WTF am I supposed to do with that?  But once my irritation cooled, I thought of the keyword for this Queen from Emily Carding's Tarot of the Sidhe, a soul deck for me if I have ever had one; "Gift of charm".  It's nice to give presents, and it feels good to receive them.  I also see this Queen as a progression from the woman in the Strength card, that this gift may help the receiver look outward again in hopeful anticipation.  The Little White Book for this deck describes the Queen of Staves thus, " To receive criticism, good or bad."  That means I must be prepared to have the gift not as well received as I may like, but thanks is not why we give gifts.

Because I despise court cards as outcomes so, I drew another card as well, which is the Eight of Pentacles.  I want to give this gift to this person not only because I believe they have been struggling, but also because they have helped me a great deal.  In that case, the gift is almost like a reward, or compensation, for work well done, though she never asked me for anything.  Combining this card with the Queen of Staves, I believe the gift will be well received, though possibly felt as if they "earned" it.  I am okay with that, because I am responsible for what I put out into the world, and how people react to it, for good or ill, is their responsibility.

Tarot of the Cloisters- The Hermit

My shadow card for the reading, what I most do not want to look at about the situation, is the Hermit.  I'd like the gift to be a bridge to a stronger friendship, because I crave those in my daily life, but it likely won't be.  I'd like the gift to be a token that brings a new light to her world, but I must be prepared for that not to be so.  I'd like to come across as good and noble in the giving, but look how much I am struggling with the decision.  This is my moral issue, not a reluctance to give the gift or concern about the "worthiness" of the receiver.  I have to make sure I am prepared to give freely, for all the right reasons that include the joy of another person, and not for the wrong ones, which would include personal recognition.

Sometimes your cards lay you bare, and that is just a part of reading.  Sometimes, I need to be laid bare, because it is so humbling.





These cards are from the sadly out of print Tarot of the Cloisters by Michelle Leavitt, published by U.S. Games Systems, Inc.

Moonlight

Legacy of the Divine Tarot- The Moon

There are people in the world who think tarot does not work, that it is totally random and at best the images act as an inkblot for our creative minds to impress upon whatever is foremost in our thoughts in a given moment.  Those people don't realize that I pull the Moon card every damn Monday.

I used to pull a Major Arcana at the beginning of each week as a reference point, a study place, and to give some insight as to the flavor of the week I could expect, and then I would write about it.  That was, until the Moon card started coming up for me each and every damn Moon's day, and more the Fool I for expecting anything different.  I sometimes get other cards, too, depending on how much time I am willing to devote to the pulling, and if I am reading a specific question, but I always get the Moon.  It is humorous, really, but I long ago ran out of things to say about the Moon.  The problem is, the Moon has not run out of things to say about me.

I could ask, of course, though most spreads designed around the Moon card seem a bit too heavy for my current needs.  I think tarot is a wonderful spiritual tool, and I do believe it will plumb the depths of ones' soul, but my soul is tender at the moment and wants only to show her pretty surface.  The depths will need to go unplumbed for now, and even when I can no longer run from that eventuality, it will be a private affair.  And I have probably answered my own question about why the Moon is currently haunting me, although it is likely in the Moon's nature to haunt, being singularly well purposed for this.

I can almost never get over the beauty of the Moon card, its' magic and mystery.  One particularly vivid reading it came up for my sitter to remind her to love herself, to believe in her own beauty, to celebrate it, to envision her hair and her limbs and her eyes and her fingernails and her kneecaps all bathed in a silvery white light, of pure love, of pure desire, that emanates only from her and the Divine Lover.

As Mother's Day has just passed, which inevitably churns up for me the drama and the hurt and the thrill and the desperation that surrounds my relationship with my own mother, and as I recently read about the astrological moon in particular affecting that relationship, I wonder if the Moon wants me to start resolving my mommy issues.

In any case, I have pulled the Moon, yet again, and so we dance.





This card is from Legacy of the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti, published by Llewellyn.

Daily Draw - Three of Swords, Magician, Knight of Swords

Watcher Angel Tarot- Three of Swords, Magician, Knight of Swords

The words that come to mind as I look over today's cards are "Synthesis of pain", which is a theme I have been seeing, possibly experiencing, quite a bit lately.

One of my 16 year old boys is a music aficionado, loves all of it, and is currently a little bit obsessed with Adele.  We had a deep discussion a couple weeks ago about the strength of her music, the power of the lyrics she has written.  The conclusion we reached was that her pain is so palpable, so immediate in these songs, that they draw you in, because we have all been heartbroken.  The beauty of the situation is that she has taken this pain deeply into the core of who she is, experienced it fully, and tempered it into a thing of great and terrible beauty.  Now it is no longer a part of her, and that is a triumphant story.

The Three of Swords is Sorrow, it is the pain we all feel from time to time, through our own fault or through none of it.  Pain is an equal opportunity emotion.  My understanding of The Magician leads me to see him as someone who has tools for changing reality at his disposal.  In this incarnation, he is Armaros, the Enochian angel who teaches the loosening of enchantments.  Pain and sorrow can be such exquisite bindings, but adopting Armaros' meditation practice, his acceptance of where he is while refusing to stay there if it does not suit him, can transform our pain until we are The Philosopher, here portrayed as the Knight of Swords, same suit as the source of the pain, but matured, tempered, and no longer jagged.  In the guidebook, Michelle Belanger describes The Magician as the card of faking it until you make it.  There are times in life when if we can just plaster a smile on our face for a few minutes, we may forget our great sorrow for those minutes, and that is an invaluable gift we can give ourselves in the midst of difficult times.  We can see this in the Knight of Swords card, the warrior whose battlefield is of the mind.  All warriors are intense, and this one is no different, with his penetrating gaze and fierce intelligence.  A Sword is a weapon that can hack and slash, or cut a very fine line.  The difference is in the intent and skill of the wielder.  Through careful management of how we view our circumstances, we can encourage maturation, and learn to grieve without losing ourselves in the grief.

Watcher Angel Tarot- The Fool

The shadow card of the reading is The Fool, portrayed as a wingless Shemyaza, who is the counterpart to Armaros, and his presence here indicates that the synthesis of pain is a vital part of the journey.  I can't learn to fly on my own, or to treasure it, if I never lose my wings.  he is willing to take the leap, and as something I need to know about this reading that I am trying to not see, the card speaks to the need to be willing to feel that pain, so that I can grow.

I had a specific question as I laid these cards, which was that I would like to know what to expect from my guest appearance on an internet radio show later today.  I do not see myself having this kind of process on air, though it certainly is possible.  I am as healed as the people I read for, at times.  My intuition, though, feels that I may be able to assist another person with these words today, and I am grateful for that.

At 5pm Mountain time today I will be a guest on Inner Voice Intuitive Hour with Jenny Sieck, giving readings and talking intuition.  Listen live, or in archive anytime.






These cards are from Watcher Angel Tarot by Michelle Belanger and Jackie Williams, self published at Spiral Fire Studio.

The Gate of The Priestess

Watcher Angel Tarot- High Priestess

I am currently writing a post for a beloved project that has sprang up from my great enjoyment of this page, Aaron's Rod, Aphrodite's Altar, which is an adults only blog where I tackle love and sex through the tarot (so please don't go if you are not of legal age or don't wanna talk/read about sex), and I am ready to write about The High Priestess.  At least, I think I am.  She may have other plans for me.

I am not finding her as easy to write about as I thought I would, and while in the silvery sliver of light from last night's moon I believed I had the thread, today the words are coming hard.

In this deck, The High Priestess is represented by Kasbiel, who keeps the secret name of God.  Unlike some High Priestesses, she seems to almost be inviting us in to learn her secrets as easily as we inhale her musky incense.  The veils of her keep are not stone castle walls, but they are just as imbreachable without her soft inviation.  She will not be taken by force, in any sense of the word, and perhaps my Taurean nature has been acting like a bull in a china shop as I tackle her entry.  I have been looking at her as a task, something I must do, and she is not responding to me.  My question today is, "How should I approach The High Priestess so that I can write about her?"

Watcher Angel Tarot - Six of Swords, King of Cups, Knight of Pentacles

Although I have previously disliked cards with keywords on them, a technique taught to me by James Wanless, just last week, has caused me to open up to the possibilities of using them more effectively with decks that choose to use them.  If I string a sentence together from these, I have "Passage through The Dilettante leads to The Artisan."  To me, that means I must become a dilettante, an admirer and appreciator of the arts in order to practice my own.  As I consider this in approach to writing about The High Priestess, I realize she needs to be approached with a more reverent and loving attitude than I have been offering.  I have been fumbling at her with clumsy fingers, grasping at her and insisting she show up on my terms, where she would prefer to be treated more deftly.  I have a tendency to want to "just get it done" but like all aspects of the Divine, the High Priestess wants all of me, not just what I am willing to give.

From the images, combined with my understanding of tarot, I see that while there may be a battle raging on, in this moment, and maybe only for this moment, I am to put down my Swords and focus on the beauty that surrounds me.  The King of Cups is in full mastery of his emotions, and is a bit of a showman as well.  Embracing these qualities will help me to achieve my goal of the day, to practice my art.  Artistry requires form and function both, and while I have been plenty willing to function, my form has needed some help.

Watcher Angel Tarot- The Lovers

The shadow card of the reading is The Lovers, as represented by Na'amah.  My favorite series of books ever is written by Jacqueline Carey, and begins with Kushiel's Dart.  The denizens of her carefully crafted alternative world worship beings much like Enochian angels themselves, and one of their foremost deities is Naamah, the blessed precept they adhere to, "Love as thou wilt."  This echoes Mr. Crowley's, "Do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law... Love is the law, love under will."  In the topography of my own spirituality, the Holy Spirit figures largely, and is the Divine Feminine aspect of the Trilogy.  The Holy Spirit, being the creative hand of God/dess upon the earth, makes appearances in many cards, but perhaps is strongest for me as The High Priestess.  I have made a mistake approaching her with demands upon my lips, rather than praises and soft requests.  I have been demanding that she hand over all her secrets to me, when I know very well she is a gatekeeper, and will give me nothing I don't dive deep into my own psyche to retrieve for myself.  This is actually love of the highest order, the journey she is willing to guide me on, though, like The Fool, I must be willing to go.  The High Priestess is connected to The Moon, the card of shadows and the need to trust what we may not be necessarily able to see.  I have to trust this feminine aspect of God, and of myself, or her secrets will remain a mystery to me.  Lovers give and receive graciously.  They do not demand.







These cards are from Watcher Angel Tarot by Michelle Belanger and Jackie Williams, published by Spiral Fire Studio.

Love on American Idol?

I was chatting with Tierney, who writes The Daily Draw, highly recommended tarot reading, about the chemistry we both perceive between American Idol contestants Elise Testone and Phillip Phillips.  Since I have these magical cards at my disposal I decided to pull a couple and get to the bottom of this.  The first card represents how Elise feels about Phillip, the second how Phillip feels about Elise, and the third card in the middle is the energy that is currently flowing between them and the potential of their relationship.

Fantastical Creatures Tarot- Two of Pentacles, Ten of Cups, Judgment

How does Elise feel about Phillip?  Two of Pentacles: These dancing fey are totally adorable together, which is the feeling I get when I see these two singing together.  They balance a ball of pure energy between them.  I think that Elise feels the energy between them, and sees they make magic together when they sing.  She may almost float on air around him.  However, they have many things to juggle at this exact moment and she may be quite aware of all the pressures around them.  She may even have a love interest at home, and she is trying to balance her personal feelings with her big dreams and "regular" life.

How does Phillip feel about Elise?  Ten of Cups:  This image is literally the Muses.  She is inspiring to him, she understands his art, and frankly brings him joy.  He can picture a happy ending with her.  However, to choose one muse may be to forsake the others, and he may not be ready for that just yet.

What is the energy between them?  Judgment:  In this time and this place, they are equals, equally talented, equally important, equally beautiful.  They are great foils to each other.  However, the nature of this competition insists that won't always be the case, at least as it relates to this television program.  Even so, the basic nature of their relationship will remain constant, and they have great potential to evolve and grow together.  Because this is the only Major in the reading, I believe it carries the most weight.  I believe they will either part ways completely after the show, or remain close throughout their lives, no room for middle ground, acquaintance level relations.  No matter how the romance aspect of the relationship plays out, at this moment the relationship is a pivotal one, and may remain so.

There is definite potential for a love blossoming in these cards, and no red flags to nay say the possibility.  These are cards of people who certainly have the ability to build upon their chemistry to create a beautiful relationship that defines them both for many years.  It depends on how they arrange their priorities and what they both desire for their futures.

As for me, these are my favorite singers of this year's crop, and I will cry big fat tears when either of them may go home.  I think they should sing together forever because they complement and enrich each other, becoming more than the sum of their individual artistry.  Good luck to both of them, on the show, in their future careers, and in love!





These cards are from Fantastical Creatures Tarot by D.J. Conway and Lisa Hunt, published by U.S. Games Systems, Inc.