Thursday, March 25, 2010

Daily Draw - Nine of Swords

Here is my ugly anxiety.  Are you tired of hearing about it yet?  Because I sure am tired of living with it.

This card is one that often shows up when I am grappling with worries that I know are not real, I do, and I get so frustrated with myself because I know that I am wasting precious energy on things I can't change, nor is it even really my place to, at times, and then I am sapped of energy to be effective where I actually could make a difference.  Then I am emotionally drained and weak and vulnerable.

It's an ugly cycle.

What is the source of my anxiety today?  The Fool.  Fear of the unknown, and having to walk so close to the edge of that cliff.  Some Fools are sure they can fly, but I am not necessarily one of those.  I am not very comfortable with not knowing where I am going or how I am getting there.  One of the ways I deal with my anxiety is to make every day as close to the same as I can.  I like to putter around my house and just be at home, and the Fool in tarot is not at home, and he is not doing the same thing day after day.  That is both exhilarating and terrifying for me to imagine.

I am on the cusp of something, the edge of a cliff, if you will, and although I know it will be good for me in the long run, in the short term I am having a hard time managing the details, and I hate that feeling.

How can I address this problem?  Nine of Cups.  To me, this card means taking care of myself.  It's okay for me to control the things I can, if it helps me to let go of what I can't.  I get comfort from routine, from stacking the cups just so, and then admiring them.  I also do better when I can cook, and write, and read, and meditate, and get my yoga in.  All of those things take time away from my moppets, and I often feel guilty for them, but there should be no shame in taking those pieces of time for myself.

These cards are from the Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin.

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